Consorting With Felons

BR: "Ah wuz talkin' to this gahy that wuz in prizun. [Editor's note: WTF?] Ah sed, 'Wye yew in here?' He sed, 'Ah wuz in a bar 'n sumwun trahyd to take mah whiskee 'way frum me. So Ah stabbed 'em in the chest.' Ah sed, 'Wow, wuz it that importunt?' He sed, 'Yeah, it wuz.' Ah sed, 'It wuz so importunt, so now yew git to spind sum tahym here fer 'cuple years.' He sed, 'Yew don' think it wuz importunt?' Ah sed, 'Well, no, not to me. But Ah don' drink, so Ah don' know.'

Them wimen in prizin ain't nuthin' to look at. Thet's wye thar in thar in the ferst playce. If'n thay wuz evin a little bit good lookin', sumbuddy'd want 'em. Wanna take care of 'em. But all'z thay'z intristed in iz pickin' fahyts with 'chuther."

Note to single men: If you're not the least bit picky and have a sensitive side... oh, and Mace. Just in case.

Walkin' in BA

BR: "In Arginteena, if yew git caut DWI, it's an automatic death sentince. A lotta people don't know that. Talk 'bout zeero tolerince. That's wye thay don' have no prollem with people drivin' drunk. Ah giss there's a lotta them walkin'."

If you murder someone, do they make you drink and drive?

Shop the Chains

BR: "That lokul hardware store'll screw ya. A 'lectrical box -- ninney-siven cints at Lowe's. At that lumbur yard, it'z three ninney-siven. That's three dollers more. Three dollers more. Romex [sp?] iz ninney-six dollers. Two-forty-one thar. 'N desprit people'll pay it. They're the only store 'round fer fifty mahyles, so thay know thay gotcha by the yang-yang."

Please, people - don't let anyone get you by the yang-yang. It's quite painful.

Misplaced Priorities

BR: "Ah've heard everything now. This cuple wuz so inticed with th'Innernet that thay let thare baby starve..."

Market Movements

BR: "The markit wuz down a 'lil whayle 'go. But then agin, it's the afternoon. 'N yew know what the markit does in the afternoon. Takes a dump. [Whispers] Takes a caca."

The APR Consultant

BR: "Ah got this credit card 'n Ah noticed that the intrist rate wuz sky hayh. Twenny-for point nine nine percint. Whin Ah opened th'count, it wuz nine point nine nine percint. So Ah called 'em up 'n sed, 'Wye did mah rate go up?' Thay sed, "Well, sur, thar's a klaus in the contract sez we kin raise the intrist rate at inny time.' Ah sez, 'OK, well have Ah bin late in mah paymints?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'Have Ah bin over mah limit?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'OK then, how 'bout Ah jus' pay the balince rahyt now 'n close th'count.' This gurl sez, 'Oh sur, but wye? U've bin a valyewd custimer since 1987!' Ah sed, 'Well, y'all're sockin' it to me! That rate is suh haygh, Ah'll jus' close th'count.' She sez, 'Wait a minit sur; let me git an' -- what do thay call it? An APR consultint... 'Let me git an APR consultint on the lahyn.' Ah didn' know what an APR wuz. So this gahy comes on the lahyn 'n sez, 'We're gunna reduce yer APR to fahyve point nine nine percint. Ah sed, 'Well thank yew very much.' Kin yew believe that? Thay dropped it twinney percint. Ah bet thay do that to everbody; thay jus' jack up the intrist rate 'n rip yew a new what. 'N people either don' notice it 'er think thay can't do nuthin' 'bout it so thay jus' keep payin' it. 'N all yew gotta do is call 'em up 'n ask 'em to reduce it. Ah wonder how many people thay're rippin' off lahyke that everyday. Prolly millyens. Jus' goes to show, yew gotta stay 'lert or thay'll gitcha. A lotta people don't know that."

The Economy, Retirement and an Exit Strategy

BR: "Thar's only one econumy 'n that's Azhuh. Yew know who the biggist investers are in the US markit? Juhpan 'n Chahyna. Thay got mostuv our munney. More investers from thar then all them oil countries. 'N it'z all communications. Used to be, sumthin happined here 'n it would take a week to git to Juhpan. Now sumthin happins, thay know it in milisecunds. Maybe evin mahycrosecinds -- depinds on how long it takes fer them lahyt waves to git over thar.

Scary thang is, niney-six percint'a peeple in the US have liss then tin K in thar retahyrmint. This one woman had between six 'n nahyne K 'bout three years 'fore retahyrmint. Thay sed, 'Yew think yer gunna be able to retahyre?' She sed, 'Yeah!' Wrong! She had no inklin' what it takes to retahyre.

'N if'n the democrats get back in, all them tax cutz is goin' away. 'N if'n Hileree gitz in, thay gunna start takin' fahyve percint'a yer saleree fer 'the unemployible'; that's what thay call 'em. That's win Ah'm leavin' the country. Ah ain't givin' nobody fahyve percint'a mah saleree fer doin' nuthin.'"

A Lesson in Numbers

BR: "A billyen is a thousind millyen 'n a trillyen is a millyen millyen. How many zeroes is that? More munney then Ah got. Ah jus' figgered out how much munney Ah don' have."

Smoke 'Em If You Can Afford 'Em

BR: "Ah never did take up smokin'. Didn' have 'nuf munney. Ah could either smoke 'er bahy gas. Ah could spind fahyve dollers on gas 'er three packsa sigrettes. Ehhhh... Ah had more fun drahyvin' so Ah never started. Ah prolly smoked three in mah whole lahyf.

Ah got this friend thet smokes a lot. He spinds so much munney on sigrettes -- $22.83 A DAY. Thet's a whole lotta munney. Ah tell 'im, 'Go out to the ceeder tree, git a peese 'a thet bark, a peese 'a newspaper 'n roll it up 'n smoke it.' Tastes the same. Jus' as gud fer ya' too."

Let's do some quick math, shall we? Assuming a cost of about $4/pack, that's nearly six packs of cigarettes per day. I imagine that a hard-core smoker like that would sleep a measly six hours per night, so that leaves a mere 18 hours of quality smoking time. At 20 class-A cigarettes per pack, we're talking 120 smokes every 18 hours, or nearly 7 cigarettes per hour. For the sake of argument, we'll pare it down to six, or one cigarette every ten minutes. And that's EVERY ten minutes. Where can you get a job that allows you to smoke EVERY ten minutes and pays you enough money to have $8333 of disposable income to spend on cigarettes? Wherever it is, I hope his health care benefits are AMAZING...

Middle East Solution

BR: "Them people'z bin fahytin' fer fifdeen hunnerd years. It'z gunna take a long 'mounta tahyme to change their behavyer. Every ginerashun hasda change a little bit. When enuf changes bin made over tahyme, then you'll see sum differn actions over thar. The U.S. wint through that, breakin' away frum Spain 'n Anglund.

Sez here they got two hunnerd fifty'a them Taleeban surrounded. We otta jus' drop one bomb 'n git rid of 'em all. 'Er gimme an M-16; Ah'll give 'em a boost. Make 'em see Allah real quick."

Ah, yes. I've heard of this plan. "The Camp BR Accords." What could possibly go wrong?