Out of Office

Due to circumstances of extreme secrecy and intrigue, I will be out of the office for an extended period of time. Since I have vowed not to fabricate any of these posts (which could easily be accomplished with a bottle of whiskey and a book of Mad Libs), this blog will be dark for a while.

Hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I have sharing my pain. Hope to see you back in a few months.

The Taxman Cometh

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna rahyze taxes on gasuleen bahy fifty cints a gallun as soon as he gits in office. 'Corse that won't affect the lower income people -- thay's on wellfare already 'n take the bus. If'n that tax goes thru, we'll all be on wellfare soon.

Them Dimocrats got a gud policy comin' up. Thay're gunna eat everyone."

Evidently with a side of oil and food stamps.

Celebrating in Style

BR: "Went to Red Lobstur last nahyte. Took mah muther thar cuz it wuz her birthday. They braut out a li'l cake with a candul to suprahyze her. She wuz lahyke, 'Huh?' She thaut thay wuz gunna do somethin' to her. Man, wuz she suprahyzed. But she lahyked that.

Excellint shrimp too. When thay say jumbo, thay wuz really big."

I took my mom to Red Lobster once. For Mother's Day. I was six.

Nothing Says "I Love You"...

... like a riding lawn mower:

BR: "Ah baut mah wahyfe that new John Deere -- she luvs it. She sez it's jus' lahyke drivin' a car. Got automatic transmisshun, 'lectric start, all them saftey feechurs, got eighteen 'er twinney-fahyve horsepower, Ah ain't shur. But she luvs it. Straps that wagun on the back 'n she's doin' the flower beds, mowin' the grass every other day."

She might also enjoy a camouflage jump suit and a 30.06. Or a case of whiskey.

The Ultimate Diet

BR: "Ah tell yew one thang, Ah need to pay more attinchun to the expuration dates on thangs. Ah made me a sanwich with Miruhkle Whip that had been expahyred fer over a year. Made me sicker'n a dog. Ah trahyed to throw up a cupple'a tahymes but couldn't. Spint mosta the nahyt sittin' on the commode. That's one heckuva weight loss program, though."

No Lube

BR: "Mah sun's wahyfe has this friend, 'n boy iz she stoopid. She had a pretty new car, at least she baut it new. Car wuzn't runnin' rahyt, so she took it to the dealer. It wuz still under warranty fer the first year. Car had sixtee-four thousind mahyles on it. Mechanik sez, 'So how many mahyles have yew put on it since yew last changed the oyl?' She sez, 'Wut do yew mean?' He sez, 'When wuz the last tahyme yew changed yer oyl?' She sez, 'It'z under warranty fer the first year -- Ah don' need to change the oyl, do Ah?' Heh. Sixtee-four thousind mahyles on the 'riginal oyl. 'N that's starter oyl. Sevin grand fer a new motor."

The Racist Church

BR: "Yew see O'Bahma's preecher finally got him into hot water? Turns out ole BR was rahyt. He sed thay should get ridda all the whayte people. Kin yew believe that? Anytime a church has a histery of helpin' only one kinda people, thay're a racist church."

To wit: All churches are racist. Awesome.

Bloom Where You're Planted

BR: "Ah know a wuman, sixtee-sevin years old 'n she's never been more than a hunnerd mahyles from her house. Sixtee-sevin years old. Kin yew believe that? Ah cain't.

She's got a sixtee-four Chevy truck, all beat up; got dents in it. She straightened 'em out herself. When yew look at it, it's all kindsa beat up, tahyres is slick 'n it's got over four hunnerd thousind mahyles on it. Baut it brand new in sixtee-four. Ah sez, 'When yew gunna get a new truck?' She sez, 'Ah don' need no new truck. This one starts every day. Ah ain't gunna bahy a new one 'til this one quits on me.'

It ain't lahyke thay cain't afford it. Her 'n her bruther got a eight-thousind acre ranch, got siventeen oil wells on it. Thay git lahyke thirtee K a munth in royalties, each. Thay got Ah don' know how many millyens in the bank 'n she won' bahy a new truck. She thinks she's gunna dahye 'n take all that with her. Shoot. Everybody knows yew cain't take it with you."

Read Between The Lines

BR: "Yew lissen to them commershuls fer Berack O'Bahma? Yew lissen to 'em real close? Most people don'. He's talkin' 'bout 'Mah Wahyte House.' Since when is is 'mah' wahyte house? It's the guvermint's wahyte house. It's the people's wayhte house. But that's his mentality. Ah'm gunna sind out an e-mail to all those people, sayin', 'Yew voted for 'im. Now yew gotta pay the prahyce."

The Breakfast of Champions

BR: "Mah wahyfe thinks Ah'm crazy cuz Ah'll eat tuhmahlees fer breakfist. Ah'll cook up a duzzin of 'em 'n go to town. She sez, 'How kin yew do that?' Ah sez, 'Open yer mouth 'n bahyte.' Ah eat bean 'n cheese tacos from that Mexikin place all the tahyme fer breakfist."

Two words: Febreeze WORKS.

The Folly of Youth

BR: "Thar tellin' all the Republicans to vote fer Hilery now 'n then vote for McCain in the genrul 'lection. That's wut Ah'm doin'. Mah friend sez, 'Thay'll have you on the rolls as a Dimocrat fer two years!' Ah sez, 'Who cares?' Ah jus' wanna make sure Osama bin Ladin don't win. Or Bahama, er whatever his name is. He sez he's gunna stop all the war in the Middul East. Wut people don' realize is that then we'll be fahytin' that war rahyt in the middul'a New York City. Thay'll come to 'Merica 'n bring their bombs with 'em.

Those stupid college studints don' know wut's goin' on. Thay think everyone's in Iraq 'n if'n we pull outta thar the war'll stop. Wut thay don' get is, them people's been fahytin' fer fifteen hunnerd years. Thay wanna convert everyone to the Muzlum rulijen. If'n yer a Christian, yer their enemy 'n thay'll kill ya soon as look atcha."

The Tribe Has Spoken

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna change the Middul East. Ah'd lahyke to know how he's gunna do that. Prolly become a Muzlum 'gain. Who's that Muzlum big wig? Ah ferget his name, but he 'n his trahybe came out 'n indorsed O'Hahma [sic]. That gahy ain't never indorsed no one before. When thay asked him wye he indorsed O'Bahma, he didn't have an answer. Sumthin's fishy there.

All's Ah kin say is, Ah didn' vote fer him 'n Ah tole yew so."

No Crime, No Time

BR: "Mah vizhun is this: if yer illeegul 'n yew stay below the vizhun levul, thay ain't gunna come lookin' fer yew. But if yer gunna commit a crahyme, a' corse thay're gunna getcha! 'N thay shud!

But if yer an illegul 'n commit a crayhme, yew ain't subject to the same typa justis that a sitizen is. It's lahyke thay're tryin' to make illeeguls an eshelon 'bove people that're here leegully. It's diplomatik 'mmunity. But if yew don't commit no crahyme, yew ain't got nuthin' to worry 'bout."

Thank you Johnny Cochran.

If Wishes Were Horses...

...then I could ride the crack-addled pony that IS his thought process...

BR: "Looks lahyke ole Romney's callin' it quits. That makes it real easy. Yeah, it's gunna be McCain as presuhdint 'n Huckuhbee on as vahyce presuhdint. McCain didn' carry the south, so Huckuhbee's gunna git it fer him. That'll be a good ticket.

Ah sure hope they abolish the IRS. All thay gotta do is pass it 'n that'll be that. Save a buncha munney. Won' hafta give out them rebates to them people on welfare no more. Then we can give laptop computers to everyone that goes'da school. That'd be gud."

Yes, indeed. All they have to do is pass it. Get rid of those pesky taxes. Can't imagine anything the federal government might need money for...

Bounce Goes The Check

BR: "The only tahyme Ah ever had insuffishent funds wuz that tahyme mah wahyfe didn't deposit mah check for four weeks. Ah never worried 'bout checkin' mah balince cuz Ah knew how much munney wuz in thar. But she didn' deposit that check, so Ah wuz bust. Needless to say, Ah wuz a little upset.

The real bummer wuz that Ah bounced a twilve doller check. Then the store charged me fayhve dollers fer insuffishent funds 'n then the bank charged me twinney-fahyve dollers. They inded up sendin' a collekshun agency that charged fifty dollers in collekshun fees. So a twilve doller bounced check cost me eighty 'er ninney dollers. Needless to say, Ah don' let her handul mah munney no more. Got mah own account. Heh. Two diffrent accounts, two diffrent banks. Heh."

Outer Limits

BR: "Thay make them pre-made peenut buttur 'n jilly sanwiches. Ah don' know who makes 'em, but thay're called 'Incrustibles'. Mah muther wud never cut the crusts off our PB 'n Js. She'd say, 'Yew better eat them crusts 'er yew ain't gittin' no more.' Ah learned real quick to eat crusts. Muther wud say that's whar all the nuchreents are is in the crust. In 'the skeen.' Thay used to say that 'bout potaytos too. Ah think the only nuchreents in them potayto skeens is dirt."

Spamtastic

[Discussing Cooter's planned trip to Hawaii]

BR: "Go out 'n bahy yerself 'bout twinney cansa Spam. Whin yew get thar, bahy yerself a big ole tubba musterd 'n some loafsa bread. Yew'll be livin' in stahyle. Them Hawayens love that Spam. Yew'll be a hit."

Dr. BR of the ER

BR: "Whin stuff comes outta yer nose, if it's clear, it's allergies. If'n it's green, yew've got 'er yer gittin' an infection. Jus' call Roto-Rooter to clean yer nose out. Heh!"

Shop 'Til You... Get The E-mail

BR: "Ah put a 'count alert on mah 'Merican Ixpress. That's the only way mah wahyfe knows to stop shoppin'. Ah put in on jus' fer her. She spinds 'n spinds 'n spinds 'til she gits that alert. Best thang Ah ever dun, yew wanna know the truth."

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

BR: "Hay, lissen to this: [Editor's Note: From Yahoo News] "O'bahma wrote about 'is yewthful drug use - marijuana, alcohol 'n sometimes cocaine - in his memoir, 'Dreams of Mah Father'."

Heh. How 'bout that? He hadda take drugs to remimber his dad. Now thar's a good ole dimocratic canduhdate for ya'. Hah!"

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

BR: "Appul hit two hunnerd dollers a share th'uther day. Ah shoulda baut Appul when it wuz sixteen dollers a share. Talk 'bout kickin' yerself in the tail end. A buddy'a mahyne baut Yahoo when it wuz ten dollers a share. He sed, 'Ah jus' baut a hunnerd shares'a Yahoo!' Ah sed, 'What the hell is a Yahoo?' [Editor's Note: Uh, got a mirror?] He inded up with about four hunnerd shares. He made a bundul when he sold it. Shoot. Thay say hinesite's twenny-twenny; Ah shoulda kept a better eye on mah rear ind. Hah!"

Expert Political Analysis

BR: "O'Bahma wuz a Muzlum; he jus' changed a few munths ago to a Crisjin rulijen. But when he got sworn into Congress, he wud not put his hand on the Bahyble. He wud only get sworn in on the Keran. He don' say no pledge'a legience neither. Anyone that does not pledge'a legience to the flag is a communist or, in this case, a Muzlum. Thay ain't on the sahyde of the country 'n thay won' get mah vote."

The Lights Are On...

BR: "Ah switched all the lahyt bulbs in mah house to compact flerisent. Savin' me a buncha munney. Muther won' do it. Ah sed, 'Yew otta switch them bulbs to the more inergee 'ficcient ones.' She sed, 'Ah don' wanna. Them bulbs is too dark.' Then she complains about it bein' too hot in the summer. Ah sed, 'Muther, it's s'damn hot because yew got them five-hunnerd watt lahyt bulbs in them lamps!' That's lahyk a screw-in furnice, is wut that is."

The Screw-In Furnance! New from Ronco!

Coffee - Now An "In Thing"

BR: "Mah dotter baut mah sun-in-law a perkulater coffee pot. Thay saw one one day when thay wuz out shoppin' 'n he thaut it wuz as neat as yew know wut. Thay don' make coffee lahyke that no more. Coffee used to be jus' fer drinkin', but now it's an 'in' thang. Thay love that coffee maker too. Too bad thay don' know howda wurk it.

Thay wuz gunna throw their old one away; Ah sed, 'Don' do that, Ah'll take eet!' Ah'll put it up at th'other house. That way, Ah can have coffee whenever Ah want. Rahyt now, if'n Ah want a cuppa coffee, Ah gotta go to the stupid donut shop.

Ah didn' drank coffee 'til Ah wuz forty years old. Now Ah gotta have a cup everyday. Instint or brewed; don' matter to me. Ah giss it's jus' lahyke a cigrett."

Satan Is An Option

BR: "Ah knew this gahy, don' know wut rulijun he wuz, but he thaut it wuz a sin ageenst God to take munney from a cumpuhnee in the form'a stock options 'er wutever. He sed it wuz the devil's munney, that he'd be workin' fer Satan. If'n he'd a takin that munney with all his options, he'd a had two 'er three millyen dollers. Instead, he got laid off 'n walked away with nuthin'. Didn' want nunna wut he called Satan's munney. Shoot."

Trash Talk

BR: "A garbuj man in New York Citee makes niney-fahyve K a year. Not bad fer smellin' lahyke yew know wut."