Wednesday, October 31, 2007

We I.D.

BR: "Riddy fer them tricker-treeters tonite? Summa them kidz iz too old to be comin' do the door. Ah should make 'em show me thayre driver'z lisense. Heh heh. If'n thay's over twilve, thay don' git no candy. Don' git no nuthin.'"

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Stream of Alimentary Consciousness

Well, my faithful readers, I am heading out of town for a much-needed vacation, so the blog is going to go dark for a bit. I've commissioned my aforementioned colleague to keep track of any explosions of wisdom from the lips of the oracle.

In the meantime, please enjoy the following prattle. Yes, it really was this desultory.

BR: "Whin Ah wuz a keed, thar wuz no way yew could git me to eat brauklee er kauleeflar. That wuz a no no. Now Ah luv brauklee er kauleeflar. Ah tell yew whut tho, Ah ain't never develuped a taste fer beetz. Never lahyked 'em, never will. Ah'll eat jus' 'bout any vegtabul thar iz 'cept beetz. Ah'll eat eggplant but Ah don' really care fer it. Mah wahyf luvs it. She'll eat it frahyd. She orderz it evree tahyme we go to Ahlive Gardun.

Ah won' eat no squid 'er octapus. Lotta peeple lahyke kalimahree. Ah don' care fer it. Ah giss cuz Ah use it fer bait. When yew use it fer bait, 'n yew see all thet slimee stuff... then yew think 'bout that goin' down yer throat... Ah trahyd a peese uv it once, almost gagged.

Ah've ate all kindsa meat. Moose, elk, all kinda deer [Editor's note: The varietals are most robust in the fall], analope, bear... never eatun no allagater 'n Ah don' care to. Don' lahyke th'idea of eatun' sumthin that can eat me [Editor's note: Uh, bear?].

Ah got a friend that'll eat all kindsa bugs. Beetuls, cockroachiz, antz, milipeedz. He gitz 'em frum sum mail-order playce. Ah ate sum choklit-cuvered antz once. Thay weren't bad. Lahyke choklit-cuvered peanutz.

'Member thet show on TeeVee? Thay hadda eat all that stuff 'er thay wuz disqualifahyd. Cain't remember the name uv it. Wuzn't on very long. [Editor's note: Yes, Fear Factor was short-lived. A mere six seasons.] Thay ate everthin': pig placenta, werm milkshakez, tung, 'n other itemz frum the bull... Rockee Mountin Oysterz. That'z one thang Ah won' eat. Corse Ah'm shur Ah've ate it before sinse Ah've had hot dogz 'er buhlonee before.

Ah knew a gahy from Luzianna ate three orderz uv 'em thangs 'fore he found out wut they wuz. He'z from Luzianna, so he thaut thay wuz regalur oysterz. He fahynlee found out wut they wuz, but it didn' stop him. He kept rahyt on eatun' 'em. 'Hay, bring me 'nuther order.'

If you've eatun hot dogz, you've prolly eatun every parta th'animul possibul that can be cooked. A lotta people don't know that.

Ah'll eat Spam over hot dogz; at least yew can see sum meat in thar. They've ruhduced the pork; now it'z 'bout one thurd chickun 'n one thurd turkee. Used to be 'bout haf pork ribz 'n haf pork sholder. As the prahyce'a meat wint up, the qualitee of meat wint down.

Ah don' lahyke duck, neither. Ah niver ferget, Ah keeled that duck one tahyme. Mah muther cooked it 'n sed, 'Yew gunna keel it, yer gunna eat it.' Needless tuh say, Ah never keeled 'nuther duck.

Ever had robin? It'z kahynna lahyke duv, but mah muther'd make us eat that too. She'd make me kleen 'em. Ah lurned rahyt thar not to keel anythin' yer not gunna eat. That'z why Ah fish now."

To recap: Will eat broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant (with reluctance), moose, elk, deer, antelope, bear, chocolate-covered ants and Spam.

Will not eat beets, squid/calamari, alligator (for fear of reprisal), bull's testicles and duck.

I must get invited to Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Our Latest Export

BR: "Well, yew go 'da Mexeeco now 'n yew kin git Taco Bell. Thay trahyd'a open it thar back in nineny-too but it failed. Ah giss them peeple in Mexeeco dinn' 'gree with wut Taco Bell called Mexeecan food. Wut thay call a taco 'n wut we call a taco iz two differn' thangs. Not no more. Taco Bell in Mexeeco. Gawlee."

This is an outrage. What's next? McDonald's in Ireland? Oh, wait...

Friday, October 5, 2007

Today's Spanish Lesson

BR: "This persun'z name is 'Mary Bueno.' Ah giss her name meanz 'Mary Good.' At least it'z not 'Mary Freeholee.' Thet wud be 'Mary Bean.' Heh heh."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Delicious Dinner, Dangerous Dessert

BR: "Ah wint to the grosrey store thuther day, baut me a steak. It wuz sevin dollers 'n it wuz barely 'nuf fer me. It'z cheaper to eat out then eat in, not countin' gaas. We go to thet Ahlive Gardun thet's rahyt 'round the corner frum us. Soop 'n salid 'n breadstix is the only thang Ah lahyke there. The lunch is fahyve nineny-nine 'n the dinner is sevin nineny-nine. Yew getcha two big bowls'a that soop 'n that'z plenny. Last tahyme we wint there we came home with one'a them cheezecakes and wuz eatin' it fer lahyke a week. Ah tell yew wut, don't ever get a bad cheezecake, tho, it'll make ya sick!"

For those of you keeping score at home, $7.99 at Olive Garden is cheaper than the $7.00 steak (not counting gas, of course). I suppose you have to tip your butcher...