Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Taxman Cometh

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna rahyze taxes on gasuleen bahy fifty cints a gallun as soon as he gits in office. 'Corse that won't affect the lower income people -- thay's on wellfare already 'n take the bus. If'n that tax goes thru, we'll all be on wellfare soon.

Them Dimocrats got a gud policy comin' up. Thay're gunna eat everyone."

Evidently with a side of oil and food stamps.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Celebrating in Style

BR: "Went to Red Lobstur last nahyte. Took mah muther thar cuz it wuz her birthday. They braut out a li'l cake with a candul to suprahyze her. She wuz lahyke, 'Huh?' She thaut thay wuz gunna do somethin' to her. Man, wuz she suprahyzed. But she lahyked that.

Excellint shrimp too. When thay say jumbo, thay wuz really big."

I took my mom to Red Lobster once. For Mother's Day. I was six.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Nothing Says "I Love You"...

... like a riding lawn mower:

BR: "Ah baut mah wahyfe that new John Deere -- she luvs it. She sez it's jus' lahyke drivin' a car. Got automatic transmisshun, 'lectric start, all them saftey feechurs, got eighteen 'er twinney-fahyve horsepower, Ah ain't shur. But she luvs it. Straps that wagun on the back 'n she's doin' the flower beds, mowin' the grass every other day."

She might also enjoy a camouflage jump suit and a 30.06. Or a case of whiskey.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Ultimate Diet

BR: "Ah tell yew one thang, Ah need to pay more attinchun to the expuration dates on thangs. Ah made me a sanwich with Miruhkle Whip that had been expahyred fer over a year. Made me sicker'n a dog. Ah trahyed to throw up a cupple'a tahymes but couldn't. Spint mosta the nahyt sittin' on the commode. That's one heckuva weight loss program, though."