A Eulogy (of Sorts)

BR: "All that rayne [in the south] bin cauzin' all them riverz 'n lakes tuh fill up. Yew hear 'bout that stupid cuple? They had thayr chayle in the water down in the Gulf. Thet current wuz so strong, it ripped thet kid rayht outta hiz daddy's armz. Washed 'im rayht out inda the Gulf. He'z crab bait now. They never see thet kid agin. Sharkz done eatin' on 'im, crabz been done eatin' on 'im. Those peepul don' even have a mind; it'z jus' total stupidity. You jus' hafta be ignernt. Gawlee. Feel sorry fer kidz lahyk thet -- parents 'er idiots 'n the kid takes the sufferin'.

Thar's no worse death then suffocatin' 'er drownin', which is the same thang."

The Man Behind the Curtain

BR: " This global warmin' is jus' a repeatin' cahycle, iz all it iz. Butchu try tellin' that t'Al Gore. If'n ya did, then he wuddn't have nuthin'da scream 'bout. Course he'z one'a the biggest contributors to the so-called prollem. Yew know his house uses sevin tahymes more 'nergie than the averige home? A lotta people don't know that. 'Aw, but that don' matter.' Shoot. I wudn't be surprized if he wuz invested in one'a them companies choppin' down all the treez in the rayhn forests. Wudn't surprize me one bit."

Time to Re-Tire

BR: "Mah sun needed some new tars, 'n Ah offered to pick 'em up fer 'im. Ah thought they wuz normal tars, but man, wuz Ah wrong. They wuz tractor tars. 42" in diameter 'n 20.8" wahyd. They must weigh 'bout 450 pounds a piece. Mah sun said they cost $989 each. That's a buncha munney fer a tar.

Anyway, they put 'em in mah truck 'n Ah started to drive off. Ah said, man, Ah need to tie these things down 'er they're gonna fall off. Mah wahyf saw wut Ah'ze doin' 'n she said, 'No way.' She callz up mah sun 'n sayz, 'Yer gonna have to come git 'em.' So he sayz, 'Ah-ayght, Ah'll come git 'em with mah trailer.' So at 1:45 this mornin', he gitz me outta bed sayin', 'Ah need help loadin' these tars.' Spent an hour outside loadin' them thangs onda that dang trailer. One uvem rolled off the tailgate uh the truck 'n hit that trailer. BOOM! 450 pounds hittin' that trailer makes a big ole noise. Needless to say, that screwed up mah nahyt. Didn't git back to sleep 'til 3:00 'er 3:15. Ah even hadda take 'nuther bath; took me ferever'd scrub off all that black rubber. Gawlee."

The Warranty Swindle

BR: "Endid up bahyin' a TV fer mah bedroom last nite. Took that ole 27" back uptuh th'other house. Didn't have no TV up thar -- well, Ah take that back; Ah had uh 5" TV. Got tarred uh watchin' that lil' ole thang. Heh heh.

Mah sun-in-law bin tryin'da git me to bahy a plasma -- Ah said Ah ain't bahyin' no plasma for a bedroom. The one Ah bot'z a little smaller than 27" but it'z nahyce 'n sleek. Th'other ones looked lahyk cheep black plastic. [Editor's Note: He could've killed two birds with one stone by buying a refrigerator with a television IN it.]

Anyway, the reason I'ze tellin' ya this is 'cuz they had an extended warranty, two years parts 'n labor for $17.88. Ah cudn't believe that so Ah plopped down that munney. Yuzhuh-lee that kinda warranty costchu $60, $70, $80. Yew can almos' bahy a new TV fer that. Ah don't see how they can do it. Ah think it'z 'cuz they don' havtuh honor it 'less yew got the policy 'n the 'riginal sales receipt. Ah alwayz scan mahyne 'cuz they print them thangs on thermal paper. They do it on purpose so that receipt'll fade. Then yer outta luck."

This is good advice. I've never heard of any retailer retaining computerized records of your purchases and warranties. Maybe if they did, they'd have my address to send me junk mail.

The Broadway Joe Exercise Program

BR: "Ah met ole Joe Namath. He'z uh big ole gah -- six foot four 'er six foot fahyve -- 'n his wahyfe wuz 'bout four foot eleven. 'N she done had four kids bah him. Ah say to mahself, man, Ah couldn't 'magine havin' that big ole gah on toppa me. But Ah tell yew wut, she still had a good figure even after four kidz. She wuz a nahyce lookin' woman. She musta bin on top -- kept her in shape. Heh heh."

Consumer Report

BR: "We baut one'a 'em Frigidaire dishwashers, all made outta plastic. Don' tell mah wahyf that. That thang was so loud you cudn't even hear the TV in the next room. Needless to say, that lasted 'bout a munth. Went overda Lowe's 'n baut a stainless steel Bosch fer $657. Ah'd never buy 'nuther Maytag. Ah had a Maytag 'frigerator 'n my 37-pound grandaughter wuz climin' on the door -- broke it off. $937 fridge 'n a replacement door wuz $436.57 plus shipping. Furget it.

They trydda sell us a fridge with a TV in it. Wut a waista munny. Had 'n ethernet port to hook it upda th'Internet. Yer jus' payin' $400 fer a stupid TV in yer fridge.

Yew know who owns Maytag is Whirlpool corporation. Baut 'em out 'bout a year ago. Maytag ain't Maytag anymore. 'N yew know wut? Whirlpool makes all the Sears products too. People say, 'Wye donchu buy a Whirlpool?' 'N they say, 'Naw, it's a piece a junk. Ah'll buy Sears instead.' But it's the same thang. 'N K-Mart owns Sears now. K-Mart, Sears -- it's all a buncha legal rigamarole with LLC corporations. A lotta people don't know that."

You may officially stop your subscriptions to Forbes, Business Week and The Wall Street Journal; they have been rendered superfluous.

Prison Break

BR: "You hear 'bout that girl that tryed to 'scape from that prison? Sum nahynteen-year-old girl wuz tryin'da get outta that penitentiary 'n she climbed over that fince, fell rahyt inda that razur wahyr. She wuz in thar fer 'bout fifteen er twinny minutes. Took four 'er fahyve of 'emda gitter out. Needless'da say, she was hurtin' the nix mornin'. Dunno if she got any skarz, but Ah till you wut, she gonna think twahyce 'bout doin' that agin."

The Revolution Will Be Microwaved

BR: "Mah micruhwave got zapped this weekend; dunno wut happened. Musta bin some kinda powur surge. When Ah come in, it wuz beepin' at me. Then it started up 'n the display said, "Baby food, 2 1/2 minutes." Then the screen went blank, then "Simply Samsung." Ah'm tellin' you, it runs on its own. Wasn't even that old. Maybe three-r four years. Hasn't even bin used that much. Maybe fifty tahyms at the most. Prolly cost more to fix it thin its worth. Throw it away, Ah guess."

I am shocked -- shocked! -- that he didn't tear the thing apart and regale us with a story about how he found a rat in it. A rat that he then ate. With baby food.

Chicanery Will Kill You

BR: "Ah seen people leave their keys in their car with the injin runnin' whahyl they go inda convenience store. Thas jus' stupid. Ah bin timpted t'jump in 'at car 'n drive it 'round the back the store. If Ah wouldn't goduh jahyl, Ah'd do that. Then 'gain, they could be carryin' so Ah mahyt git shot."

Frankly

BR: "Ah know uh gahy whose name is Francis. Kin you believe that? An' Ah ain't talkin' 'bout the Saint neither, 'cuz he wuz a long way from that. Francis. Heh heh."

Spell Check

[Overheard while BR was skimming a report received from another department]

BR: "Woodju look at this? This gahy is a stupid idiot. M-O-R-O-O-N."

Gangrene Grocer

BR: "Ah ain't bahyin' no more food at that locul grocery store, least not their brands. Ah done bought a cannuh peas, had a big ole rock in it. Bought a cannuh green beans 'n found not one, but three worms in it. Bought a tubbuh ice cream, it had a big ole globba grease right in the midd-luvit. Jus' lahyk ya grease yer car with.

Muther bought sum oatmeal had boll weevils 'er whatever lives in oatmeal in it. She took it back 'n got 'nuther packige. Two days later, them boll weevil'z back. Finally, she bought sum Quaker oats 'et didn' have them critters livin' in it.

Yeah, Ah don't buy that store'z products no more. Butchu know wut? Ah bet Walmart ain't much better."