Hand Off - The Aftermath

BR: "Ah wuz readin' an artikul on Yahoo 'bout that tyegur. The zoo direktur publicly admitted that the rail wuz too low. He jus' opened that city up fer millyens and millyens of dollers. He sed he knew 'bout it when the AZA came out (yew know, th'Merikun Zoo 'Sociation), but thay didn't say nuthin' 'bout the hahyght, so he didn't do nuthin. That wuz three years ago.

Wut he shoulda done to CYA, he shoulda asked the city for munney to raise it. If thay sed no, he woulda covered his tail. When thar's a potential lawsuit, you don' come out 'n admit the mistake in public. 'Less yer an imbisul. Guess he is an imbusul. Guess he didn' realize that somebuddy would file a lawsuit. Them people wuz tauntin' the tyegurs, but the lawyers gotta prove that. Needless to say, he's gunna lose his job over that."

Gee, ya think?

Hand Off

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that tyegur that escaped from that zoo in San Frunsisko? Thay sed it wuz the same one 'scaped last year. That tyegur wuz chewin' sum gahy's hand off. Heh. Ah think Ah'd wanna be dead, sum animul wuz chewin' mah hand off. Heh."

Hi Ho, Silver

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that contractor? Found eighty K in a house behind a medicine cabnet er sumthin'. He also found a hunnerd eighty two K in 'nuther house. Thay wuz a hunnerd eighty two K wrapped up in newspaper frum the fortees. The bills wuz a hunnerd dollers. One seriesa bills thay found, thay's so rare - thay haven't had 'em all apprazed yet - but thay came from the Cleevlind reserve bank 'n thay wuz all silver certifcuts. Thay sed thay were nineteen twinney seven 'n twinney nahyne bills. Thay wuz so rare that the value wint up from a hunnerd eighty two K to five hunnerd sixtee K.

Ah had a silver certifcut once. It wuz for a hunnerd dollers 'n mah wahyf burned it. Ah didn' tell yew 'bout that? We used to have a burn barrell. Ah wint to the credit union 'n got a nineteen twinney nahyne silver certifcut for a hunnered dollers. Ah had it in a plahyne whayte envelope on the dressur. She found it 'n thaut it wuz imptee, so she took it to the trash 'n threw it out. Ah got home 'n sed, 'Whar's that envelope that wuz on the dressur?' She sed, 'Oh, that wuz imptee, so Ah threw it out 'n burned it.' Ah sed, 'Wut?!?!?' Ah freeked out. She had a habit'a not stirrin' them imbers, so Ah wint out to the trash barrell 'n started diggin' 'round 'n Ah found it. It wuz burned, but thar wuz 'nuf of it left that Ah wuz able to redeem it. Thay sed, 'We'll give yew a hunnerd dollers, but we don' have no bills lahyke that to replace it.' So Ah got mah hunnerd dollers back but Ah'll niver see 'nuther bill lahyke that in mah lahyfetahyme."

10% Are In The Know

BR: "Niney percinta people don' know wut malt is anymore. Ah ordered a malt 'n thay gave me a milkshake. Ah sed, 'This ain't no malt!' Thay sed, 'Yes it is.' Ah sed, 'No it ain't - it ain't got no malt powder in it!' 'Oh, that's the diffrence?' The manager at Darrey Queen sed that. Heh."

Can I Get a Witness?

BR: "Whin Ah wuz workin' at that hospitul, thar wuz a tecknicul prollem in the operatin' room 'n Ah got called. Thar wuz this womun on the operatin' tabul, out cold. That ole surgin sed, 'Yew jus' go ahead 'n fix the prollem; don' worry 'bout wut Ah'm doin'.' Ah sed, 'OK' 'n wint to work. But Ah looked over after 'while 'n he wuz up on that tabul; he had climed up rahyt on toppa that lady 'n wuz straddlin' her. She wuz obviously havin' a hip replacemint, cuz he wuz up on toppa her with a hammer 'n chizel! 'Whack, whack, whack!' Man, he wuz goin' to town with them tools. Ah'd never seen nuthin' lahyke it. Ah fixed the prollem 'n wint on mah way.

Cuple weeks later, Ah wuz walkin' down the hall 'n Ah saw that li'l ole lady agin headin' down the hall in a wheelchair. She got to the door, 'n she got up 'n walked out. Ah sed, 'Ah saw them operatin' on that ole lady!' Thay sed, 'Yep, he replaced both hips. She hadn't walked in two years.'

Now thay're usin' lazers."

BR -- now available for surgeries and Bar Mitzvahs!

Raze the Titanic

BR: "Wen yer on a cruise 'n yer gunna debark, it takes a lotta action to git them two thowsind passingers off. Sum people thank it's their personal moterboat -- it jus' don' work that way.

What's 'mazing is how them ships iz welded together. Thay gotta be dun jus' rahyt 'er giss wut? Thay'll break apart. Mosta them ships iz dubble-hulled.

The Tahytanik wuz dubble-hulled, but thay made two mistakes [Editor's note: Someone call White Star Lines immediately. They'll want to hear this.]

One wuz with the secund hull; the hull only wint up to 'bout atey percinta the ship. Above that point thar wuz nuthtin' thar. The water wint over the toppa that hull 'n into the compartmints.

'N two: them compartmint doors. Ah think thay left 'em open."

Brilliant. I can just see BR as the investigator on the scene: "Hay, d'jew leave them compartmint doors open? Ah betcha did. That's whay thet ship dun sunk..."

We're Big in Japan

BR: "Boing! Man this rubbur ball won't quit bouncin' -- sumbuddy needs to git a hold of it... [Editor's note: Kind of like your ramblings.]

Thay need to put that two trillyen back that thay borrowed from the hiway transpertashun fund. Back whin ole' Clinton wuz in office, they took two millyen, shoot, two billyen -- wait, 'scuse me, two trillyen from the hiway transpertashun fund 'n spint it on somethin' else. Yew know what the nashunul debt is? Nahyne trillyen. Four years ago it wuz four 'n a haf. In ten years, we're gunna be in a big ole' mess. Hell, we already are, but if the Chayneze 'n Japuneze decide to sell all thar U.S. trezhree notes, we'd be bankrupt. Thay got us over a barrell. We cain't do nuthin' cuz thay own so many trezhree notes. Ah gotta stop talkin'; Ah'm jus' gittin' more upset the more Ah thank 'bout it."