The Tribe Has Spoken

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna change the Middul East. Ah'd lahyke to know how he's gunna do that. Prolly become a Muzlum 'gain. Who's that Muzlum big wig? Ah ferget his name, but he 'n his trahybe came out 'n indorsed O'Hahma [sic]. That gahy ain't never indorsed no one before. When thay asked him wye he indorsed O'Bahma, he didn't have an answer. Sumthin's fishy there.

All's Ah kin say is, Ah didn' vote fer him 'n Ah tole yew so."

No Crime, No Time

BR: "Mah vizhun is this: if yer illeegul 'n yew stay below the vizhun levul, thay ain't gunna come lookin' fer yew. But if yer gunna commit a crahyme, a' corse thay're gunna getcha! 'N thay shud!

But if yer an illegul 'n commit a crayhme, yew ain't subject to the same typa justis that a sitizen is. It's lahyke thay're tryin' to make illeeguls an eshelon 'bove people that're here leegully. It's diplomatik 'mmunity. But if yew don't commit no crahyme, yew ain't got nuthin' to worry 'bout."

Thank you Johnny Cochran.

If Wishes Were Horses...

...then I could ride the crack-addled pony that IS his thought process...

BR: "Looks lahyke ole Romney's callin' it quits. That makes it real easy. Yeah, it's gunna be McCain as presuhdint 'n Huckuhbee on as vahyce presuhdint. McCain didn' carry the south, so Huckuhbee's gunna git it fer him. That'll be a good ticket.

Ah sure hope they abolish the IRS. All thay gotta do is pass it 'n that'll be that. Save a buncha munney. Won' hafta give out them rebates to them people on welfare no more. Then we can give laptop computers to everyone that goes'da school. That'd be gud."

Yes, indeed. All they have to do is pass it. Get rid of those pesky taxes. Can't imagine anything the federal government might need money for...

Bounce Goes The Check

BR: "The only tahyme Ah ever had insuffishent funds wuz that tahyme mah wahyfe didn't deposit mah check for four weeks. Ah never worried 'bout checkin' mah balince cuz Ah knew how much munney wuz in thar. But she didn' deposit that check, so Ah wuz bust. Needless to say, Ah wuz a little upset.

The real bummer wuz that Ah bounced a twilve doller check. Then the store charged me fayhve dollers fer insuffishent funds 'n then the bank charged me twinney-fahyve dollers. They inded up sendin' a collekshun agency that charged fifty dollers in collekshun fees. So a twilve doller bounced check cost me eighty 'er ninney dollers. Needless to say, Ah don' let her handul mah munney no more. Got mah own account. Heh. Two diffrent accounts, two diffrent banks. Heh."

Outer Limits

BR: "Thay make them pre-made peenut buttur 'n jilly sanwiches. Ah don' know who makes 'em, but thay're called 'Incrustibles'. Mah muther wud never cut the crusts off our PB 'n Js. She'd say, 'Yew better eat them crusts 'er yew ain't gittin' no more.' Ah learned real quick to eat crusts. Muther wud say that's whar all the nuchreents are is in the crust. In 'the skeen.' Thay used to say that 'bout potaytos too. Ah think the only nuchreents in them potayto skeens is dirt."

Spamtastic

[Discussing Cooter's planned trip to Hawaii]

BR: "Go out 'n bahy yerself 'bout twinney cansa Spam. Whin yew get thar, bahy yerself a big ole tubba musterd 'n some loafsa bread. Yew'll be livin' in stahyle. Them Hawayens love that Spam. Yew'll be a hit."

Dr. BR of the ER

BR: "Whin stuff comes outta yer nose, if it's clear, it's allergies. If'n it's green, yew've got 'er yer gittin' an infection. Jus' call Roto-Rooter to clean yer nose out. Heh!"

Shop 'Til You... Get The E-mail

BR: "Ah put a 'count alert on mah 'Merican Ixpress. That's the only way mah wahyfe knows to stop shoppin'. Ah put in on jus' fer her. She spinds 'n spinds 'n spinds 'til she gits that alert. Best thang Ah ever dun, yew wanna know the truth."

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

BR: "Hay, lissen to this: [Editor's Note: From Yahoo News] "O'bahma wrote about 'is yewthful drug use - marijuana, alcohol 'n sometimes cocaine - in his memoir, 'Dreams of Mah Father'."

Heh. How 'bout that? He hadda take drugs to remimber his dad. Now thar's a good ole dimocratic canduhdate for ya'. Hah!"

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

BR: "Appul hit two hunnerd dollers a share th'uther day. Ah shoulda baut Appul when it wuz sixteen dollers a share. Talk 'bout kickin' yerself in the tail end. A buddy'a mahyne baut Yahoo when it wuz ten dollers a share. He sed, 'Ah jus' baut a hunnerd shares'a Yahoo!' Ah sed, 'What the hell is a Yahoo?' [Editor's Note: Uh, got a mirror?] He inded up with about four hunnerd shares. He made a bundul when he sold it. Shoot. Thay say hinesite's twenny-twenny; Ah shoulda kept a better eye on mah rear ind. Hah!"

Expert Political Analysis

BR: "O'Bahma wuz a Muzlum; he jus' changed a few munths ago to a Crisjin rulijen. But when he got sworn into Congress, he wud not put his hand on the Bahyble. He wud only get sworn in on the Keran. He don' say no pledge'a legience neither. Anyone that does not pledge'a legience to the flag is a communist or, in this case, a Muzlum. Thay ain't on the sahyde of the country 'n thay won' get mah vote."

The Lights Are On...

BR: "Ah switched all the lahyt bulbs in mah house to compact flerisent. Savin' me a buncha munney. Muther won' do it. Ah sed, 'Yew otta switch them bulbs to the more inergee 'ficcient ones.' She sed, 'Ah don' wanna. Them bulbs is too dark.' Then she complains about it bein' too hot in the summer. Ah sed, 'Muther, it's s'damn hot because yew got them five-hunnerd watt lahyt bulbs in them lamps!' That's lahyk a screw-in furnice, is wut that is."

The Screw-In Furnance! New from Ronco!

Coffee - Now An "In Thing"

BR: "Mah dotter baut mah sun-in-law a perkulater coffee pot. Thay saw one one day when thay wuz out shoppin' 'n he thaut it wuz as neat as yew know wut. Thay don' make coffee lahyke that no more. Coffee used to be jus' fer drinkin', but now it's an 'in' thang. Thay love that coffee maker too. Too bad thay don' know howda wurk it.

Thay wuz gunna throw their old one away; Ah sed, 'Don' do that, Ah'll take eet!' Ah'll put it up at th'other house. That way, Ah can have coffee whenever Ah want. Rahyt now, if'n Ah want a cuppa coffee, Ah gotta go to the stupid donut shop.

Ah didn' drank coffee 'til Ah wuz forty years old. Now Ah gotta have a cup everyday. Instint or brewed; don' matter to me. Ah giss it's jus' lahyke a cigrett."

Satan Is An Option

BR: "Ah knew this gahy, don' know wut rulijun he wuz, but he thaut it wuz a sin ageenst God to take munney from a cumpuhnee in the form'a stock options 'er wutever. He sed it wuz the devil's munney, that he'd be workin' fer Satan. If'n he'd a takin that munney with all his options, he'd a had two 'er three millyen dollers. Instead, he got laid off 'n walked away with nuthin'. Didn' want nunna wut he called Satan's munney. Shoot."

Trash Talk

BR: "A garbuj man in New York Citee makes niney-fahyve K a year. Not bad fer smellin' lahyke yew know wut."

Hand Off - The Aftermath

BR: "Ah wuz readin' an artikul on Yahoo 'bout that tyegur. The zoo direktur publicly admitted that the rail wuz too low. He jus' opened that city up fer millyens and millyens of dollers. He sed he knew 'bout it when the AZA came out (yew know, th'Merikun Zoo 'Sociation), but thay didn't say nuthin' 'bout the hahyght, so he didn't do nuthin. That wuz three years ago.

Wut he shoulda done to CYA, he shoulda asked the city for munney to raise it. If thay sed no, he woulda covered his tail. When thar's a potential lawsuit, you don' come out 'n admit the mistake in public. 'Less yer an imbisul. Guess he is an imbusul. Guess he didn' realize that somebuddy would file a lawsuit. Them people wuz tauntin' the tyegurs, but the lawyers gotta prove that. Needless to say, he's gunna lose his job over that."

Gee, ya think?

Hand Off

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that tyegur that escaped from that zoo in San Frunsisko? Thay sed it wuz the same one 'scaped last year. That tyegur wuz chewin' sum gahy's hand off. Heh. Ah think Ah'd wanna be dead, sum animul wuz chewin' mah hand off. Heh."

Hi Ho, Silver

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that contractor? Found eighty K in a house behind a medicine cabnet er sumthin'. He also found a hunnerd eighty two K in 'nuther house. Thay wuz a hunnerd eighty two K wrapped up in newspaper frum the fortees. The bills wuz a hunnerd dollers. One seriesa bills thay found, thay's so rare - thay haven't had 'em all apprazed yet - but thay came from the Cleevlind reserve bank 'n thay wuz all silver certifcuts. Thay sed thay were nineteen twinney seven 'n twinney nahyne bills. Thay wuz so rare that the value wint up from a hunnerd eighty two K to five hunnerd sixtee K.

Ah had a silver certifcut once. It wuz for a hunnerd dollers 'n mah wahyf burned it. Ah didn' tell yew 'bout that? We used to have a burn barrell. Ah wint to the credit union 'n got a nineteen twinney nahyne silver certifcut for a hunnered dollers. Ah had it in a plahyne whayte envelope on the dressur. She found it 'n thaut it wuz imptee, so she took it to the trash 'n threw it out. Ah got home 'n sed, 'Whar's that envelope that wuz on the dressur?' She sed, 'Oh, that wuz imptee, so Ah threw it out 'n burned it.' Ah sed, 'Wut?!?!?' Ah freeked out. She had a habit'a not stirrin' them imbers, so Ah wint out to the trash barrell 'n started diggin' 'round 'n Ah found it. It wuz burned, but thar wuz 'nuf of it left that Ah wuz able to redeem it. Thay sed, 'We'll give yew a hunnerd dollers, but we don' have no bills lahyke that to replace it.' So Ah got mah hunnerd dollers back but Ah'll niver see 'nuther bill lahyke that in mah lahyfetahyme."

10% Are In The Know

BR: "Niney percinta people don' know wut malt is anymore. Ah ordered a malt 'n thay gave me a milkshake. Ah sed, 'This ain't no malt!' Thay sed, 'Yes it is.' Ah sed, 'No it ain't - it ain't got no malt powder in it!' 'Oh, that's the diffrence?' The manager at Darrey Queen sed that. Heh."

Can I Get a Witness?

BR: "Whin Ah wuz workin' at that hospitul, thar wuz a tecknicul prollem in the operatin' room 'n Ah got called. Thar wuz this womun on the operatin' tabul, out cold. That ole surgin sed, 'Yew jus' go ahead 'n fix the prollem; don' worry 'bout wut Ah'm doin'.' Ah sed, 'OK' 'n wint to work. But Ah looked over after 'while 'n he wuz up on that tabul; he had climed up rahyt on toppa that lady 'n wuz straddlin' her. She wuz obviously havin' a hip replacemint, cuz he wuz up on toppa her with a hammer 'n chizel! 'Whack, whack, whack!' Man, he wuz goin' to town with them tools. Ah'd never seen nuthin' lahyke it. Ah fixed the prollem 'n wint on mah way.

Cuple weeks later, Ah wuz walkin' down the hall 'n Ah saw that li'l ole lady agin headin' down the hall in a wheelchair. She got to the door, 'n she got up 'n walked out. Ah sed, 'Ah saw them operatin' on that ole lady!' Thay sed, 'Yep, he replaced both hips. She hadn't walked in two years.'

Now thay're usin' lazers."

BR -- now available for surgeries and Bar Mitzvahs!