Conspiracy Exposed

BR: "Ah tell yew wut -- thay know whar Osama ben Lahden iz, but thay ain't gunna go after 'im cuz that'll jus' make him a marter. If'n thay leave him alahyve, his own peeple'll take care of 'im. They'z gettin' sickuv 'im 'n if'n we leave him alahyve, thay'll evinchully get 'im thayselves.

Ruhmimber back in 'Niney-Three whin Osama ben Lahden first came inda power [Editor's note: Those exit polls were incredible!] 'n started doin' all this krap, he tooka hole buncha explosives inda the basement of the Worl' Trade Cinter 'n blew 'em up? Heh, heh -- that gahy thaut it wuz gunna bring the hole bildin' down, but it wuz only one colum. We trayhned that gahy too. Civul engineer at M.I.T. Shoot."

Powerball Dreams

BR: "If'n yew wun the Powerball, wud yew hayre me az yer shoeshiner? A hunnerd K a year? With three hunnerd ten millyun yew cood hayre a lotta peeple. That'd be great. Walk int'a kar dealership 'n bahy a kar with yer 'Merican Express. [Editor's note: Or cash?] Ah cood live on that. Put it in the bank earnin' eight percint; yew cood draw out thurdy-one millyun a year."

Brown Snake Moan

BR: "Win Ah wuz a keed, Ah hadda koppurhed koil 'n bahyte et mah leg. Mah pantz wuz away frum mah bodee, so he bit the cloth. He bit at me, but by the tahyme he had koiled back up, Ah dun jumped outta the way. He wuz big, too, prolly three feet long. Ah don' lahyke koppurheds. Thay don't give yew no warnin'; thay jus' koil up 'n bahyte. Ah lahyke rattlesnakes, cuz thay let yew know they're there. Not them kopperheds, tho."

Yes, those rattlesnakes are terribly polite. I've never met anyone who didn't enjoy their company.

Professional Diagnosis

BR: "Yep, that ole Owen Wilsun trahyda keel hisself. He went 'n cut his rist. They sed he'z bahy-polur. They found out thet much. He needz help fur it, but peeple didn't realahyze he'z bahy-polur 'til now."

Read more in the Journal of American Medical Field and Stream.

That's What I Call Good Bait

BR: "We alwayz use chikun liverz fer catfish fishin'. It'z lahyke bludd bait. We wint out thar one tahyme 'n caut four hunnerd 'n sixtee fish. There 'uz so many of 'em, you hadda beat 'em off."

I intend to use chicken-liver cologne the next time I go out on the town.

Deer Diary

BR: "Ah wuz drahyvin' to work on thet street neer mah house, an' Ah saw fahyve deer. Thar wuz a twilve point buck, a tin point buck 'n three doe, out in the middul the road. Thet twilve-pointer wuz a big ole gahy. Man, he wuz big. Ah started to run 'em over with the kar, but Ah thaut, 'Naw, it'll mess up the kar too bad.' If'n mah sun'd been thar, he wudda loved shootin' et them thangs."

Restaruant Review

BR: "Ah wuz at a Tahko Bell twinney-fahyve years ugo 'n the food wuz better then most Mexikun restaurants."

Seafood, Versatile Seafood

BR: "Mah wayhfe's alwayz tellin' me Ah eet too much frayhd food. Then she turn 'roun 'n eat frayhd flounder all the time. So hoo's eatin' all the frahyd food now? Ah only bake mah flounder. That's the only way Ah'll eat it. Man, Ah luv it.

'Corse, if yer a shrimp luver, Red Lobster's got thet all-yew-kin-eat shrimp rahyt now. But Ah cain't stand skallups; Ah giss you have to be born with a taste fer 'em er summin'. Ah useda eat oysturs on the haf-shell all the tahyme -- with salt 'n peppur -- but Ah got sik on 'em 'n ain't had 'em since. Ah don' lahyk skallups 'er oysturs 'er mussles, 'er anythin' related in that area. Ah lahyk krab, but only if sumbuddy else's dun it. Ah don' lahyk to kleen 'em, less Ah'm gunna chop 'em up fer fish bate. The inside'z all gooey 'n it smells. Dunno wut it is... must be the gutz 'er summin', but them red fish shur lahyk it!"

Here, here. I personally don't like water, or anything related in that area.

The Warranty Swindle, Part Two

BR: "Ah braut this thang in fer warranty ruhpare. This gahy tellz me he cain't do warranty ruhpare if the thang ain't wurkin' at all. Ah sed, 'Wut the hell 'er yew talkin' 'bout? That's wut a warranty'z for! Yew pay the decuktibul 'n they fix it.' Ah sed, "Yew gahy'z 'er jus' nikel 'n dahymin' me. Ah ain't never comin' back here agin.' He musta thaut he'z dealin' with sum kinda moron. Well, he'z already gotten the warranty munney outta me, so maybe he is. Heh heh."

Everyone's Favorite Actor

[On hanging up the phone with a customer]

BR: "Boy, thet gahy wuz meen. Jus' lahyke that moohvie Nasty Ole Men with Walter Mathis."

What a shame. His brother Johnny is so nice.