No Lube

BR: "Mah sun's wahyfe has this friend, 'n boy iz she stoopid. She had a pretty new car, at least she baut it new. Car wuzn't runnin' rahyt, so she took it to the dealer. It wuz still under warranty fer the first year. Car had sixtee-four thousind mahyles on it. Mechanik sez, 'So how many mahyles have yew put on it since yew last changed the oyl?' She sez, 'Wut do yew mean?' He sez, 'When wuz the last tahyme yew changed yer oyl?' She sez, 'It'z under warranty fer the first year -- Ah don' need to change the oyl, do Ah?' Heh. Sixtee-four thousind mahyles on the 'riginal oyl. 'N that's starter oyl. Sevin grand fer a new motor."

The Racist Church

BR: "Yew see O'Bahma's preecher finally got him into hot water? Turns out ole BR was rahyt. He sed thay should get ridda all the whayte people. Kin yew believe that? Anytime a church has a histery of helpin' only one kinda people, thay're a racist church."

To wit: All churches are racist. Awesome.

Bloom Where You're Planted

BR: "Ah know a wuman, sixtee-sevin years old 'n she's never been more than a hunnerd mahyles from her house. Sixtee-sevin years old. Kin yew believe that? Ah cain't.

She's got a sixtee-four Chevy truck, all beat up; got dents in it. She straightened 'em out herself. When yew look at it, it's all kindsa beat up, tahyres is slick 'n it's got over four hunnerd thousind mahyles on it. Baut it brand new in sixtee-four. Ah sez, 'When yew gunna get a new truck?' She sez, 'Ah don' need no new truck. This one starts every day. Ah ain't gunna bahy a new one 'til this one quits on me.'

It ain't lahyke thay cain't afford it. Her 'n her bruther got a eight-thousind acre ranch, got siventeen oil wells on it. Thay git lahyke thirtee K a munth in royalties, each. Thay got Ah don' know how many millyens in the bank 'n she won' bahy a new truck. She thinks she's gunna dahye 'n take all that with her. Shoot. Everybody knows yew cain't take it with you."

Read Between The Lines

BR: "Yew lissen to them commershuls fer Berack O'Bahma? Yew lissen to 'em real close? Most people don'. He's talkin' 'bout 'Mah Wahyte House.' Since when is is 'mah' wahyte house? It's the guvermint's wahyte house. It's the people's wayhte house. But that's his mentality. Ah'm gunna sind out an e-mail to all those people, sayin', 'Yew voted for 'im. Now yew gotta pay the prahyce."

The Breakfast of Champions

BR: "Mah wahyfe thinks Ah'm crazy cuz Ah'll eat tuhmahlees fer breakfist. Ah'll cook up a duzzin of 'em 'n go to town. She sez, 'How kin yew do that?' Ah sez, 'Open yer mouth 'n bahyte.' Ah eat bean 'n cheese tacos from that Mexikin place all the tahyme fer breakfist."

Two words: Febreeze WORKS.

The Folly of Youth

BR: "Thar tellin' all the Republicans to vote fer Hilery now 'n then vote for McCain in the genrul 'lection. That's wut Ah'm doin'. Mah friend sez, 'Thay'll have you on the rolls as a Dimocrat fer two years!' Ah sez, 'Who cares?' Ah jus' wanna make sure Osama bin Ladin don't win. Or Bahama, er whatever his name is. He sez he's gunna stop all the war in the Middul East. Wut people don' realize is that then we'll be fahytin' that war rahyt in the middul'a New York City. Thay'll come to 'Merica 'n bring their bombs with 'em.

Those stupid college studints don' know wut's goin' on. Thay think everyone's in Iraq 'n if'n we pull outta thar the war'll stop. Wut thay don' get is, them people's been fahytin' fer fifteen hunnerd years. Thay wanna convert everyone to the Muzlum rulijen. If'n yer a Christian, yer their enemy 'n thay'll kill ya soon as look atcha."