Outer Limits

BR: "Thay make them pre-made peenut buttur 'n jilly sanwiches. Ah don' know who makes 'em, but thay're called 'Incrustibles'. Mah muther wud never cut the crusts off our PB 'n Js. She'd say, 'Yew better eat them crusts 'er yew ain't gittin' no more.' Ah learned real quick to eat crusts. Muther wud say that's whar all the nuchreents are is in the crust. In 'the skeen.' Thay used to say that 'bout potaytos too. Ah think the only nuchreents in them potayto skeens is dirt."

Spamtastic

[Discussing Cooter's planned trip to Hawaii]

BR: "Go out 'n bahy yerself 'bout twinney cansa Spam. Whin yew get thar, bahy yerself a big ole tubba musterd 'n some loafsa bread. Yew'll be livin' in stahyle. Them Hawayens love that Spam. Yew'll be a hit."

Dr. BR of the ER

BR: "Whin stuff comes outta yer nose, if it's clear, it's allergies. If'n it's green, yew've got 'er yer gittin' an infection. Jus' call Roto-Rooter to clean yer nose out. Heh!"

Shop 'Til You... Get The E-mail

BR: "Ah put a 'count alert on mah 'Merican Ixpress. That's the only way mah wahyfe knows to stop shoppin'. Ah put in on jus' fer her. She spinds 'n spinds 'n spinds 'til she gits that alert. Best thang Ah ever dun, yew wanna know the truth."

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

BR: "Hay, lissen to this: [Editor's Note: From Yahoo News] "O'bahma wrote about 'is yewthful drug use - marijuana, alcohol 'n sometimes cocaine - in his memoir, 'Dreams of Mah Father'."

Heh. How 'bout that? He hadda take drugs to remimber his dad. Now thar's a good ole dimocratic canduhdate for ya'. Hah!"

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

BR: "Appul hit two hunnerd dollers a share th'uther day. Ah shoulda baut Appul when it wuz sixteen dollers a share. Talk 'bout kickin' yerself in the tail end. A buddy'a mahyne baut Yahoo when it wuz ten dollers a share. He sed, 'Ah jus' baut a hunnerd shares'a Yahoo!' Ah sed, 'What the hell is a Yahoo?' [Editor's Note: Uh, got a mirror?] He inded up with about four hunnerd shares. He made a bundul when he sold it. Shoot. Thay say hinesite's twenny-twenny; Ah shoulda kept a better eye on mah rear ind. Hah!"

Expert Political Analysis

BR: "O'Bahma wuz a Muzlum; he jus' changed a few munths ago to a Crisjin rulijen. But when he got sworn into Congress, he wud not put his hand on the Bahyble. He wud only get sworn in on the Keran. He don' say no pledge'a legience neither. Anyone that does not pledge'a legience to the flag is a communist or, in this case, a Muzlum. Thay ain't on the sahyde of the country 'n thay won' get mah vote."

The Lights Are On...

BR: "Ah switched all the lahyt bulbs in mah house to compact flerisent. Savin' me a buncha munney. Muther won' do it. Ah sed, 'Yew otta switch them bulbs to the more inergee 'ficcient ones.' She sed, 'Ah don' wanna. Them bulbs is too dark.' Then she complains about it bein' too hot in the summer. Ah sed, 'Muther, it's s'damn hot because yew got them five-hunnerd watt lahyt bulbs in them lamps!' That's lahyk a screw-in furnice, is wut that is."

The Screw-In Furnance! New from Ronco!

Coffee - Now An "In Thing"

BR: "Mah dotter baut mah sun-in-law a perkulater coffee pot. Thay saw one one day when thay wuz out shoppin' 'n he thaut it wuz as neat as yew know wut. Thay don' make coffee lahyke that no more. Coffee used to be jus' fer drinkin', but now it's an 'in' thang. Thay love that coffee maker too. Too bad thay don' know howda wurk it.

Thay wuz gunna throw their old one away; Ah sed, 'Don' do that, Ah'll take eet!' Ah'll put it up at th'other house. That way, Ah can have coffee whenever Ah want. Rahyt now, if'n Ah want a cuppa coffee, Ah gotta go to the stupid donut shop.

Ah didn' drank coffee 'til Ah wuz forty years old. Now Ah gotta have a cup everyday. Instint or brewed; don' matter to me. Ah giss it's jus' lahyke a cigrett."

Satan Is An Option

BR: "Ah knew this gahy, don' know wut rulijun he wuz, but he thaut it wuz a sin ageenst God to take munney from a cumpuhnee in the form'a stock options 'er wutever. He sed it wuz the devil's munney, that he'd be workin' fer Satan. If'n he'd a takin that munney with all his options, he'd a had two 'er three millyen dollers. Instead, he got laid off 'n walked away with nuthin'. Didn' want nunna wut he called Satan's munney. Shoot."

Trash Talk

BR: "A garbuj man in New York Citee makes niney-fahyve K a year. Not bad fer smellin' lahyke yew know wut."