Walkin' in BA

BR: "In Arginteena, if yew git caut DWI, it's an automatic death sentince. A lotta people don't know that. Talk 'bout zeero tolerince. That's wye thay don' have no prollem with people drivin' drunk. Ah giss there's a lotta them walkin'."

If you murder someone, do they make you drink and drive?

Shop the Chains

BR: "That lokul hardware store'll screw ya. A 'lectrical box -- ninney-siven cints at Lowe's. At that lumbur yard, it'z three ninney-siven. That's three dollers more. Three dollers more. Romex [sp?] iz ninney-six dollers. Two-forty-one thar. 'N desprit people'll pay it. They're the only store 'round fer fifty mahyles, so thay know thay gotcha by the yang-yang."

Please, people - don't let anyone get you by the yang-yang. It's quite painful.

Misplaced Priorities

BR: "Ah've heard everything now. This cuple wuz so inticed with th'Innernet that thay let thare baby starve..."

Market Movements

BR: "The markit wuz down a 'lil whayle 'go. But then agin, it's the afternoon. 'N yew know what the markit does in the afternoon. Takes a dump. [Whispers] Takes a caca."

The APR Consultant

BR: "Ah got this credit card 'n Ah noticed that the intrist rate wuz sky hayh. Twenny-for point nine nine percint. Whin Ah opened th'count, it wuz nine point nine nine percint. So Ah called 'em up 'n sed, 'Wye did mah rate go up?' Thay sed, "Well, sur, thar's a klaus in the contract sez we kin raise the intrist rate at inny time.' Ah sez, 'OK, well have Ah bin late in mah paymints?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'Have Ah bin over mah limit?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'OK then, how 'bout Ah jus' pay the balince rahyt now 'n close th'count.' This gurl sez, 'Oh sur, but wye? U've bin a valyewd custimer since 1987!' Ah sed, 'Well, y'all're sockin' it to me! That rate is suh haygh, Ah'll jus' close th'count.' She sez, 'Wait a minit sur; let me git an' -- what do thay call it? An APR consultint... 'Let me git an APR consultint on the lahyn.' Ah didn' know what an APR wuz. So this gahy comes on the lahyn 'n sez, 'We're gunna reduce yer APR to fahyve point nine nine percint. Ah sed, 'Well thank yew very much.' Kin yew believe that? Thay dropped it twinney percint. Ah bet thay do that to everbody; thay jus' jack up the intrist rate 'n rip yew a new what. 'N people either don' notice it 'er think thay can't do nuthin' 'bout it so thay jus' keep payin' it. 'N all yew gotta do is call 'em up 'n ask 'em to reduce it. Ah wonder how many people thay're rippin' off lahyke that everyday. Prolly millyens. Jus' goes to show, yew gotta stay 'lert or thay'll gitcha. A lotta people don't know that."

The Economy, Retirement and an Exit Strategy

BR: "Thar's only one econumy 'n that's Azhuh. Yew know who the biggist investers are in the US markit? Juhpan 'n Chahyna. Thay got mostuv our munney. More investers from thar then all them oil countries. 'N it'z all communications. Used to be, sumthin happined here 'n it would take a week to git to Juhpan. Now sumthin happins, thay know it in milisecunds. Maybe evin mahycrosecinds -- depinds on how long it takes fer them lahyt waves to git over thar.

Scary thang is, niney-six percint'a peeple in the US have liss then tin K in thar retahyrmint. This one woman had between six 'n nahyne K 'bout three years 'fore retahyrmint. Thay sed, 'Yew think yer gunna be able to retahyre?' She sed, 'Yeah!' Wrong! She had no inklin' what it takes to retahyre.

'N if'n the democrats get back in, all them tax cutz is goin' away. 'N if'n Hileree gitz in, thay gunna start takin' fahyve percint'a yer saleree fer 'the unemployible'; that's what thay call 'em. That's win Ah'm leavin' the country. Ah ain't givin' nobody fahyve percint'a mah saleree fer doin' nuthin.'"

A Lesson in Numbers

BR: "A billyen is a thousind millyen 'n a trillyen is a millyen millyen. How many zeroes is that? More munney then Ah got. Ah jus' figgered out how much munney Ah don' have."

Smoke 'Em If You Can Afford 'Em

BR: "Ah never did take up smokin'. Didn' have 'nuf munney. Ah could either smoke 'er bahy gas. Ah could spind fahyve dollers on gas 'er three packsa sigrettes. Ehhhh... Ah had more fun drahyvin' so Ah never started. Ah prolly smoked three in mah whole lahyf.

Ah got this friend thet smokes a lot. He spinds so much munney on sigrettes -- $22.83 A DAY. Thet's a whole lotta munney. Ah tell 'im, 'Go out to the ceeder tree, git a peese 'a thet bark, a peese 'a newspaper 'n roll it up 'n smoke it.' Tastes the same. Jus' as gud fer ya' too."

Let's do some quick math, shall we? Assuming a cost of about $4/pack, that's nearly six packs of cigarettes per day. I imagine that a hard-core smoker like that would sleep a measly six hours per night, so that leaves a mere 18 hours of quality smoking time. At 20 class-A cigarettes per pack, we're talking 120 smokes every 18 hours, or nearly 7 cigarettes per hour. For the sake of argument, we'll pare it down to six, or one cigarette every ten minutes. And that's EVERY ten minutes. Where can you get a job that allows you to smoke EVERY ten minutes and pays you enough money to have $8333 of disposable income to spend on cigarettes? Wherever it is, I hope his health care benefits are AMAZING...

Middle East Solution

BR: "Them people'z bin fahytin' fer fifdeen hunnerd years. It'z gunna take a long 'mounta tahyme to change their behavyer. Every ginerashun hasda change a little bit. When enuf changes bin made over tahyme, then you'll see sum differn actions over thar. The U.S. wint through that, breakin' away frum Spain 'n Anglund.

Sez here they got two hunnerd fifty'a them Taleeban surrounded. We otta jus' drop one bomb 'n git rid of 'em all. 'Er gimme an M-16; Ah'll give 'em a boost. Make 'em see Allah real quick."

Ah, yes. I've heard of this plan. "The Camp BR Accords." What could possibly go wrong?

We I.D.

BR: "Riddy fer them tricker-treeters tonite? Summa them kidz iz too old to be comin' do the door. Ah should make 'em show me thayre driver'z lisense. Heh heh. If'n thay's over twilve, thay don' git no candy. Don' git no nuthin.'"

Stream of Alimentary Consciousness

Well, my faithful readers, I am heading out of town for a much-needed vacation, so the blog is going to go dark for a bit. I've commissioned my aforementioned colleague to keep track of any explosions of wisdom from the lips of the oracle.

In the meantime, please enjoy the following prattle. Yes, it really was this desultory.

BR: "Whin Ah wuz a keed, thar wuz no way yew could git me to eat brauklee er kauleeflar. That wuz a no no. Now Ah luv brauklee er kauleeflar. Ah tell yew whut tho, Ah ain't never develuped a taste fer beetz. Never lahyked 'em, never will. Ah'll eat jus' 'bout any vegtabul thar iz 'cept beetz. Ah'll eat eggplant but Ah don' really care fer it. Mah wahyf luvs it. She'll eat it frahyd. She orderz it evree tahyme we go to Ahlive Gardun.

Ah won' eat no squid 'er octapus. Lotta peeple lahyke kalimahree. Ah don' care fer it. Ah giss cuz Ah use it fer bait. When yew use it fer bait, 'n yew see all thet slimee stuff... then yew think 'bout that goin' down yer throat... Ah trahyd a peese uv it once, almost gagged.

Ah've ate all kindsa meat. Moose, elk, all kinda deer [Editor's note: The varietals are most robust in the fall], analope, bear... never eatun no allagater 'n Ah don' care to. Don' lahyke th'idea of eatun' sumthin that can eat me [Editor's note: Uh, bear?].

Ah got a friend that'll eat all kindsa bugs. Beetuls, cockroachiz, antz, milipeedz. He gitz 'em frum sum mail-order playce. Ah ate sum choklit-cuvered antz once. Thay weren't bad. Lahyke choklit-cuvered peanutz.

'Member thet show on TeeVee? Thay hadda eat all that stuff 'er thay wuz disqualifahyd. Cain't remember the name uv it. Wuzn't on very long. [Editor's note: Yes, Fear Factor was short-lived. A mere six seasons.] Thay ate everthin': pig placenta, werm milkshakez, tung, 'n other itemz frum the bull... Rockee Mountin Oysterz. That'z one thang Ah won' eat. Corse Ah'm shur Ah've ate it before sinse Ah've had hot dogz 'er buhlonee before.

Ah knew a gahy from Luzianna ate three orderz uv 'em thangs 'fore he found out wut they wuz. He'z from Luzianna, so he thaut thay wuz regalur oysterz. He fahynlee found out wut they wuz, but it didn' stop him. He kept rahyt on eatun' 'em. 'Hay, bring me 'nuther order.'

If you've eatun hot dogz, you've prolly eatun every parta th'animul possibul that can be cooked. A lotta people don't know that.

Ah'll eat Spam over hot dogz; at least yew can see sum meat in thar. They've ruhduced the pork; now it'z 'bout one thurd chickun 'n one thurd turkee. Used to be 'bout haf pork ribz 'n haf pork sholder. As the prahyce'a meat wint up, the qualitee of meat wint down.

Ah don' lahyke duck, neither. Ah niver ferget, Ah keeled that duck one tahyme. Mah muther cooked it 'n sed, 'Yew gunna keel it, yer gunna eat it.' Needless tuh say, Ah never keeled 'nuther duck.

Ever had robin? It'z kahynna lahyke duv, but mah muther'd make us eat that too. She'd make me kleen 'em. Ah lurned rahyt thar not to keel anythin' yer not gunna eat. That'z why Ah fish now."


To recap: Will eat broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant (with reluctance), moose, elk, deer, antelope, bear, chocolate-covered ants and Spam.

Will not eat beets, squid/calamari, alligator (for fear of reprisal), bull's testicles and duck.

I must get invited to Thanksgiving.

Our Latest Export

BR: "Well, yew go 'da Mexeeco now 'n yew kin git Taco Bell. Thay trahyd'a open it thar back in nineny-too but it failed. Ah giss them peeple in Mexeeco dinn' 'gree with wut Taco Bell called Mexeecan food. Wut thay call a taco 'n wut we call a taco iz two differn' thangs. Not no more. Taco Bell in Mexeeco. Gawlee."

This is an outrage. What's next? McDonald's in Ireland? Oh, wait...

Today's Spanish Lesson

BR: "This persun'z name is 'Mary Bueno.' Ah giss her name meanz 'Mary Good.' At least it'z not 'Mary Freeholee.' Thet wud be 'Mary Bean.' Heh heh."

Delicious Dinner, Dangerous Dessert

BR: "Ah wint to the grosrey store thuther day, baut me a steak. It wuz sevin dollers 'n it wuz barely 'nuf fer me. It'z cheaper to eat out then eat in, not countin' gaas. We go to thet Ahlive Gardun thet's rahyt 'round the corner frum us. Soop 'n salid 'n breadstix is the only thang Ah lahyke there. The lunch is fahyve nineny-nine 'n the dinner is sevin nineny-nine. Yew getcha two big bowls'a that soop 'n that'z plenny. Last tahyme we wint there we came home with one'a them cheezecakes and wuz eatin' it fer lahyke a week. Ah tell yew wut, don't ever get a bad cheezecake, tho, it'll make ya sick!"

For those of you keeping score at home, $7.99 at Olive Garden is cheaper than the $7.00 steak (not counting gas, of course). I suppose you have to tip your butcher...

Conspiracy Exposed

BR: "Ah tell yew wut -- thay know whar Osama ben Lahden iz, but thay ain't gunna go after 'im cuz that'll jus' make him a marter. If'n thay leave him alahyve, his own peeple'll take care of 'im. They'z gettin' sickuv 'im 'n if'n we leave him alahyve, thay'll evinchully get 'im thayselves.

Ruhmimber back in 'Niney-Three whin Osama ben Lahden first came inda power [Editor's note: Those exit polls were incredible!] 'n started doin' all this krap, he tooka hole buncha explosives inda the basement of the Worl' Trade Cinter 'n blew 'em up? Heh, heh -- that gahy thaut it wuz gunna bring the hole bildin' down, but it wuz only one colum. We trayhned that gahy too. Civul engineer at M.I.T. Shoot."

Powerball Dreams

BR: "If'n yew wun the Powerball, wud yew hayre me az yer shoeshiner? A hunnerd K a year? With three hunnerd ten millyun yew cood hayre a lotta peeple. That'd be great. Walk int'a kar dealership 'n bahy a kar with yer 'Merican Express. [Editor's note: Or cash?] Ah cood live on that. Put it in the bank earnin' eight percint; yew cood draw out thurdy-one millyun a year."

Brown Snake Moan

BR: "Win Ah wuz a keed, Ah hadda koppurhed koil 'n bahyte et mah leg. Mah pantz wuz away frum mah bodee, so he bit the cloth. He bit at me, but by the tahyme he had koiled back up, Ah dun jumped outta the way. He wuz big, too, prolly three feet long. Ah don' lahyke koppurheds. Thay don't give yew no warnin'; thay jus' koil up 'n bahyte. Ah lahyke rattlesnakes, cuz thay let yew know they're there. Not them kopperheds, tho."

Yes, those rattlesnakes are terribly polite. I've never met anyone who didn't enjoy their company.

Professional Diagnosis

BR: "Yep, that ole Owen Wilsun trahyda keel hisself. He went 'n cut his rist. They sed he'z bahy-polur. They found out thet much. He needz help fur it, but peeple didn't realahyze he'z bahy-polur 'til now."

Read more in the Journal of American Medical Field and Stream.

That's What I Call Good Bait

BR: "We alwayz use chikun liverz fer catfish fishin'. It'z lahyke bludd bait. We wint out thar one tahyme 'n caut four hunnerd 'n sixtee fish. There 'uz so many of 'em, you hadda beat 'em off."

I intend to use chicken-liver cologne the next time I go out on the town.

Deer Diary

BR: "Ah wuz drahyvin' to work on thet street neer mah house, an' Ah saw fahyve deer. Thar wuz a twilve point buck, a tin point buck 'n three doe, out in the middul the road. Thet twilve-pointer wuz a big ole gahy. Man, he wuz big. Ah started to run 'em over with the kar, but Ah thaut, 'Naw, it'll mess up the kar too bad.' If'n mah sun'd been thar, he wudda loved shootin' et them thangs."