Restaruant Review

BR: "Ah wuz at a Tahko Bell twinney-fahyve years ugo 'n the food wuz better then most Mexikun restaurants."

Seafood, Versatile Seafood

BR: "Mah wayhfe's alwayz tellin' me Ah eet too much frayhd food. Then she turn 'roun 'n eat frayhd flounder all the time. So hoo's eatin' all the frahyd food now? Ah only bake mah flounder. That's the only way Ah'll eat it. Man, Ah luv it.

'Corse, if yer a shrimp luver, Red Lobster's got thet all-yew-kin-eat shrimp rahyt now. But Ah cain't stand skallups; Ah giss you have to be born with a taste fer 'em er summin'. Ah useda eat oysturs on the haf-shell all the tahyme -- with salt 'n peppur -- but Ah got sik on 'em 'n ain't had 'em since. Ah don' lahyk skallups 'er oysturs 'er mussles, 'er anythin' related in that area. Ah lahyk krab, but only if sumbuddy else's dun it. Ah don' lahyk to kleen 'em, less Ah'm gunna chop 'em up fer fish bate. The inside'z all gooey 'n it smells. Dunno wut it is... must be the gutz 'er summin', but them red fish shur lahyk it!"

Here, here. I personally don't like water, or anything related in that area.

The Warranty Swindle, Part Two

BR: "Ah braut this thang in fer warranty ruhpare. This gahy tellz me he cain't do warranty ruhpare if the thang ain't wurkin' at all. Ah sed, 'Wut the hell 'er yew talkin' 'bout? That's wut a warranty'z for! Yew pay the decuktibul 'n they fix it.' Ah sed, "Yew gahy'z 'er jus' nikel 'n dahymin' me. Ah ain't never comin' back here agin.' He musta thaut he'z dealin' with sum kinda moron. Well, he'z already gotten the warranty munney outta me, so maybe he is. Heh heh."

Everyone's Favorite Actor

[On hanging up the phone with a customer]

BR: "Boy, thet gahy wuz meen. Jus' lahyke that moohvie Nasty Ole Men with Walter Mathis."

What a shame. His brother Johnny is so nice.

"Pipe on a Plate"

BR: "Bes' shremp Ah ever had wuz on thet cruze ship coupla yeerz ugo. They wuz 'bout eight eenches lawng an' 'bout an eench 'n a quarder in diamedur. Peece'a pahype on a playt. Thay had 'em split open on the playt served wit garlik 'n buttur. Man, them thangs wuz gud. Lahyke eatin' lobster."

Shoots and Litters

BR: "Yew heer 'bout that gahy thet got merderd? He got in sum arg-yew-mint 'n th'other gahy came out 'n shot 'eem. Guess it'z best not tuh say nuthin' to no one no more. Yew ind up gettin' yerself keeled."


'Would you like fries with that?' 'BOOM!'

Philippic in F Major

Wow. My hands hurt from the transcription.

BR: "This cuntry'z goin' tuh hell. Yew know what thay wanna do? Start the North Amerkun Yewnyen. Thar won' be no more USA. Won' be no doller no more; we'll have a currency jus' lahyk the Euro. That'z uh fact; thay've dyevulged it. That'z their ultimate goal bye twenny-twenny. That'z wut the Democratz want. Thay want yew tuh share yer wealth with the resta the cuntry. Gotta bail out all them defaultin' morgiges. Are yew kiddin' me? N' look et them commercials. Get a six hunnerd thousin' doller morgige fer twelve hunnerd a munth. Ah know a gahy wint to buya howse 'n the real estate lady wuz in kahootz with the morgige broker. She sez to him, 'If yew fahynance with us, we kin gitchu a three hunnerd thousin' doller howse fer a low payment.' So yew know what thay did? Thay baut it. Since thay baut it in the las' seven munthsa the year, thay didn' hafta pay no taxes. But then the enda the year come 'round 'n thay owed 'leven thousin' dollers in taxes. The taxes started gittin' figgered inda their morgige payment 'n it went up two 'n a haf tahymes wut thay wuz tole. 'N giss wut thay hadda do? FORE-CLOZ. 'N that's happenin' by the thousins."

Fuzzy Math

BR: "Well, that ole hurikane Deen missed Cancun 'n Cozymel, but we thaut it wuz gunna tear it all up, so we cancelled our cruze. Ah called the cruze cumpany 'n they sed, 'Wahy don' yew jus' leave yer munney with us 'n then yew kin jus' applahy it to yer cruze when yew rebook?' Ah sed, 'No thanks, cuz we dunno when that's gunna be. Cood be six munths.' Course they wanna keep yer munney. If they sell 100,000 tickets at $1000 each, that's tin millyun dollers they get-tuh keep in escrow jus' earnin' interest. They love that."

They'd love it even more to have the $90 million you short-changed them with your mental calculator.

The Truth About Truth Serum

BR: "Truth seerum is reeley sodium pennathal. If'n thay give yew too much uvit, yew jus' pass out. It don' make yew talk. A lotta people don't know that."

I am terrified to imagine how HE knows that. Not something you just pick up "on the job."

Brother, Can You Spare a Dollar?

BR: "Ah come outta 7-11 'n thar wuz this homeless gahy. He wuz warin' a hat that Ah recugnized. I assed, 'Yew a [XYZ] member?' He sez, 'Yeah!' Ah sez, 'Me too!' He sez, 'Yew gotta dahller?' Ah sez, 'Nah, Ah hadda uze a credit card here in 7-11. Ah didn' have no change.' (Ah did have munney, but Ah wuzn' gonna give none to him.) He sez, 'Ah reeley need a dahller fera cuppa coffee.' Ah sez, 'Well, come on back insahyd; Ah'll bahy yew a cuppa coffee an' a do-nut.' He sez, 'Nah, Ah jus' need the dahller. Ah'll git the coffee later. It'z too early fer breakfest fer me.' Ah KNEW he wuz lahyin'. Prolly gonna bahy booze 'er cigerettes. Yew jus' never know."

That BR sure is sharp. Who could imagine a homeless person lying about how he would spend a monetary gift?

Roach Clip

BR: "Ah wuz down fishin' et the coast, 'n Ah was lahyin' in bed Saturdee nahyt. Felt sum-uhm walkin' on me. Thought it wuz a rat. Turnz out, it wuz one-na them water roaches. Ah tell yew wut, thet wuz one big ole roach. Ah wint down to the Walmart 'n baut six canza that Hot Shot Drahy Fog. Can sez y'only need three fer the howse, but Ah baut six. Set them thangs off 'n win Ah came back, there wuz twelve'da fifteen dead roaches. They wuz startin'ta lay eggs 'n Ah figgered it wuz tahyme to kill 'em all. It wuz only $9.88 fer three canz 'n Ah baut two packiges. Gud thang too, cuz Ah'm gunna have to do it agin here in three weeks."

How, um, lavish.

That Kid Is Forked

[While viewing something on the Internet in hushed tones with Cooter]

BR: "Gawlee. Luhk et this. This kid... musta bin runnin' with a fork. Ewww.... That hadda hurt. Ah giss them -- whaddya call 'em? Them indivijul prongs on a fork? Tahynes? -- Ah giss one went up one nostral 'n the other th'other. Betcha he won' do that agin. Nex tahyme he'll be runnin' with a spoon. Heh heh."

Watership Down

BR: "They hadda turnayduh in Brooklyn. Kin yew buhleeve that? A turnaduh. 'N yew hear 'bout them subwahyz in New York? It rahyned suh hard thet thahyr wuz three inchiz in one auhr. Thet storm fludded the subway systim. 'N them tracks iz 'lectrifahyd. Thet's the thrid tahym this yeer that happened. The mayor'z gunna holda heering t' figgur out whye that keeps happenin'. Ah kin tell ya whye -- them damn starecases iz wahyd open! They need'a put up sum canopees ta kitch that rahyn so that it don't flow down thim steps. Gawlee. That's jus' commun sinse."

Transference

BR: "Mooved a buncha crap outta the yard Saturdee. Pulled uppa concrete slab'da git it outta thar. Mah truck wuz fulla concrete. Mah back tahyrz wuz saggin'. Musta had two'da three thousand pounds in thar. Thin after that, we got all them timbers loaded up, all that scrap lumber frum the remodel. Braht it over'da that ravine 'n dumped it. Looks a lot better now. Next tahyme Ah hafta mow, it'll be a lot easier."

If it looks better now, it begs the question: what the hell did it look like before? The ravine must be stunning as a result of his efforts.

While I know this is not BR's vehicle, I can't help but imagine it looked something like this:

Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman

Greetings and apologies, readers; I was out of the office for a few days and (incredibly) did not access the Internet. In my absence, a colleague was kind enough to take a note or two. Although he's in a soundproof concrete bunker four miles away from BR, he was still able to hear him.

BR: "Don' never send nuthin' USPS Prayhoritee Mail. Thay sed it'd be thar two days 'er less; mah sun got the package seventeen days later. Ah raized all kindsa cain. They sed all'z they kuhd do wuz refund me the prahyce'a the shippin' if it never got thar. They wuz two fiddy-doller gift cardz fer his birthday that wuz two days away. Ah inded up drahyvin' up thar 'n givin' him munney 'nstead. 'N yew know Ah mailed him a letter at the same time 'n he got it the next day. Thirdy-nine cents. Then them damn thangs show up seventeen days later. Kuhdda sent 'em FedEx fer $5.61, but 'nstead it cost nahyne dollers. Ah said, 'Never agin.'"

The astute reader will ask, "Why the f*&^ didn't he just send the gift cards in the letter, insured for $50?"

A Eulogy (of Sorts)

BR: "All that rayne [in the south] bin cauzin' all them riverz 'n lakes tuh fill up. Yew hear 'bout that stupid cuple? They had thayr chayle in the water down in the Gulf. Thet current wuz so strong, it ripped thet kid rayht outta hiz daddy's armz. Washed 'im rayht out inda the Gulf. He'z crab bait now. They never see thet kid agin. Sharkz done eatin' on 'im, crabz been done eatin' on 'im. Those peepul don' even have a mind; it'z jus' total stupidity. You jus' hafta be ignernt. Gawlee. Feel sorry fer kidz lahyk thet -- parents 'er idiots 'n the kid takes the sufferin'.

Thar's no worse death then suffocatin' 'er drownin', which is the same thang."

The Man Behind the Curtain

BR: " This global warmin' is jus' a repeatin' cahycle, iz all it iz. Butchu try tellin' that t'Al Gore. If'n ya did, then he wuddn't have nuthin'da scream 'bout. Course he'z one'a the biggest contributors to the so-called prollem. Yew know his house uses sevin tahymes more 'nergie than the averige home? A lotta people don't know that. 'Aw, but that don' matter.' Shoot. I wudn't be surprized if he wuz invested in one'a them companies choppin' down all the treez in the rayhn forests. Wudn't surprize me one bit."

Time to Re-Tire

BR: "Mah sun needed some new tars, 'n Ah offered to pick 'em up fer 'im. Ah thought they wuz normal tars, but man, wuz Ah wrong. They wuz tractor tars. 42" in diameter 'n 20.8" wahyd. They must weigh 'bout 450 pounds a piece. Mah sun said they cost $989 each. That's a buncha munney fer a tar.

Anyway, they put 'em in mah truck 'n Ah started to drive off. Ah said, man, Ah need to tie these things down 'er they're gonna fall off. Mah wahyf saw wut Ah'ze doin' 'n she said, 'No way.' She callz up mah sun 'n sayz, 'Yer gonna have to come git 'em.' So he sayz, 'Ah-ayght, Ah'll come git 'em with mah trailer.' So at 1:45 this mornin', he gitz me outta bed sayin', 'Ah need help loadin' these tars.' Spent an hour outside loadin' them thangs onda that dang trailer. One uvem rolled off the tailgate uh the truck 'n hit that trailer. BOOM! 450 pounds hittin' that trailer makes a big ole noise. Needless to say, that screwed up mah nahyt. Didn't git back to sleep 'til 3:00 'er 3:15. Ah even hadda take 'nuther bath; took me ferever'd scrub off all that black rubber. Gawlee."

The Warranty Swindle

BR: "Endid up bahyin' a TV fer mah bedroom last nite. Took that ole 27" back uptuh th'other house. Didn't have no TV up thar -- well, Ah take that back; Ah had uh 5" TV. Got tarred uh watchin' that lil' ole thang. Heh heh.

Mah sun-in-law bin tryin'da git me to bahy a plasma -- Ah said Ah ain't bahyin' no plasma for a bedroom. The one Ah bot'z a little smaller than 27" but it'z nahyce 'n sleek. Th'other ones looked lahyk cheep black plastic. [Editor's Note: He could've killed two birds with one stone by buying a refrigerator with a television IN it.]

Anyway, the reason I'ze tellin' ya this is 'cuz they had an extended warranty, two years parts 'n labor for $17.88. Ah cudn't believe that so Ah plopped down that munney. Yuzhuh-lee that kinda warranty costchu $60, $70, $80. Yew can almos' bahy a new TV fer that. Ah don't see how they can do it. Ah think it'z 'cuz they don' havtuh honor it 'less yew got the policy 'n the 'riginal sales receipt. Ah alwayz scan mahyne 'cuz they print them thangs on thermal paper. They do it on purpose so that receipt'll fade. Then yer outta luck."

This is good advice. I've never heard of any retailer retaining computerized records of your purchases and warranties. Maybe if they did, they'd have my address to send me junk mail.

The Broadway Joe Exercise Program

BR: "Ah met ole Joe Namath. He'z uh big ole gah -- six foot four 'er six foot fahyve -- 'n his wahyfe wuz 'bout four foot eleven. 'N she done had four kids bah him. Ah say to mahself, man, Ah couldn't 'magine havin' that big ole gah on toppa me. But Ah tell yew wut, she still had a good figure even after four kidz. She wuz a nahyce lookin' woman. She musta bin on top -- kept her in shape. Heh heh."