Consumer Report

BR: "We baut one'a 'em Frigidaire dishwashers, all made outta plastic. Don' tell mah wahyf that. That thang was so loud you cudn't even hear the TV in the next room. Needless to say, that lasted 'bout a munth. Went overda Lowe's 'n baut a stainless steel Bosch fer $657. Ah'd never buy 'nuther Maytag. Ah had a Maytag 'frigerator 'n my 37-pound grandaughter wuz climin' on the door -- broke it off. $937 fridge 'n a replacement door wuz $436.57 plus shipping. Furget it.

They trydda sell us a fridge with a TV in it. Wut a waista munny. Had 'n ethernet port to hook it upda th'Internet. Yer jus' payin' $400 fer a stupid TV in yer fridge.

Yew know who owns Maytag is Whirlpool corporation. Baut 'em out 'bout a year ago. Maytag ain't Maytag anymore. 'N yew know wut? Whirlpool makes all the Sears products too. People say, 'Wye donchu buy a Whirlpool?' 'N they say, 'Naw, it's a piece a junk. Ah'll buy Sears instead.' But it's the same thang. 'N K-Mart owns Sears now. K-Mart, Sears -- it's all a buncha legal rigamarole with LLC corporations. A lotta people don't know that."

You may officially stop your subscriptions to Forbes, Business Week and The Wall Street Journal; they have been rendered superfluous.

Prison Break

BR: "You hear 'bout that girl that tryed to 'scape from that prison? Sum nahynteen-year-old girl wuz tryin'da get outta that penitentiary 'n she climbed over that fince, fell rahyt inda that razur wahyr. She wuz in thar fer 'bout fifteen er twinny minutes. Took four 'er fahyve of 'emda gitter out. Needless'da say, she was hurtin' the nix mornin'. Dunno if she got any skarz, but Ah till you wut, she gonna think twahyce 'bout doin' that agin."

The Revolution Will Be Microwaved

BR: "Mah micruhwave got zapped this weekend; dunno wut happened. Musta bin some kinda powur surge. When Ah come in, it wuz beepin' at me. Then it started up 'n the display said, "Baby food, 2 1/2 minutes." Then the screen went blank, then "Simply Samsung." Ah'm tellin' you, it runs on its own. Wasn't even that old. Maybe three-r four years. Hasn't even bin used that much. Maybe fifty tahyms at the most. Prolly cost more to fix it thin its worth. Throw it away, Ah guess."

I am shocked -- shocked! -- that he didn't tear the thing apart and regale us with a story about how he found a rat in it. A rat that he then ate. With baby food.

Chicanery Will Kill You

BR: "Ah seen people leave their keys in their car with the injin runnin' whahyl they go inda convenience store. Thas jus' stupid. Ah bin timpted t'jump in 'at car 'n drive it 'round the back the store. If Ah wouldn't goduh jahyl, Ah'd do that. Then 'gain, they could be carryin' so Ah mahyt git shot."

Frankly

BR: "Ah know uh gahy whose name is Francis. Kin you believe that? An' Ah ain't talkin' 'bout the Saint neither, 'cuz he wuz a long way from that. Francis. Heh heh."

Spell Check

[Overheard while BR was skimming a report received from another department]

BR: "Woodju look at this? This gahy is a stupid idiot. M-O-R-O-O-N."

Gangrene Grocer

BR: "Ah ain't bahyin' no more food at that locul grocery store, least not their brands. Ah done bought a cannuh peas, had a big ole rock in it. Bought a cannuh green beans 'n found not one, but three worms in it. Bought a tubbuh ice cream, it had a big ole globba grease right in the midd-luvit. Jus' lahyk ya grease yer car with.

Muther bought sum oatmeal had boll weevils 'er whatever lives in oatmeal in it. She took it back 'n got 'nuther packige. Two days later, them boll weevil'z back. Finally, she bought sum Quaker oats 'et didn' have them critters livin' in it.

Yeah, Ah don't buy that store'z products no more. Butchu know wut? Ah bet Walmart ain't much better."

F/X-pert

BR: "Speshul effecks in moohvies'z crazy now. They jus' film it 'n overlay it on that blue screen er green screen er whatever it is. With computers it'z endless. They can digitize 'n colorize 'n everythin'. "The Wizard uv Oz" wuz the first one they done that to. A lotta people don't know that."

It's true. "The Wizard uv Oz" was filmed entirely on green screen and made its world premiere on YouTube. But you knew that.

Movie Review

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen the film and do not wish for BR's in-depth review to ruin your enjoyment of the movie, please do not read any further...

BR: "Ah watched that moohvie Gost Rahyder last nite; yew know the one with ole Nicholas Cage? Kayhnda uh weird moohvie. He made a pact with the devul, sold his soul then ended up beatin' him tuh get outuvit. His father had cancer, 'n so ole Nick made a deal with the devul to give him his soul if the devul'd git ridda his father's cancer. He 'nis dad worked at a carnival, jumpin' all kindza stuff like helicopters, trucks, football fields 'n all that jazz, just like Evel Knievel. His dad got cured 'n said he felt great, so he went ahead 'n jumped a buncha buses 'er summin' -- he done killed hisself in the process. Ole Nick says to the devul, he says, 'Ah thought yew wuz gunna cure him?' Devul says, 'Ah did cure him, but Ah didn't say he wuzn't gunna dye.' Heh heh. Jus' goze tuh show yuh, be careful wutcha ask for."

Wise words. Take heed, readers. Especially if you ride motorcycles at a carnival.

The Wary Financier

BR: "Don't never give yer munney to a broker. A lotta people don't know that. He'z in the business to buy 'n sell; the more he buys 'n sells, the more munney he'z gunna make. So whaddya think he'z gunna do with yer munney? Ah knew this guy who went off trustin' a broker -- that broker went thru about $250,000 a that guy'z retahrment munney. He hadda go back to work. Ah think he'z an exporter now."

I should hope so. That heroin isn't going to smuggle itself.

At a Loss for Words

I never thought it even remotely possible that he'd clam up on me. Two solid days without so much as a peep. BR has been swamped with work and with Cooter mysteriously out of the office, BR has no one with whom to share his copious wisdom. As I have tacitly vowed to you, the reader, not to fabricate any of these posts, we have no choice but to dutifully await the next installment.

You'll read it when I hear it. Stay tuned.

Know Your Place

BR: "Ah've lived in this city all mah lahyf, 'n Ah don't know street names. An' Ah don't kare. Sum-one ask me howda git sumwhere, Ah say, 'Go down this road 'til you git to this place or that place, turn left. Then go 'til you git to this place or that place, turn rahyt.' They say, 'You don't know the street name?' Ah say, 'Hell, no.' Don't need it. Ah know where Ah'm at."

Gone Fishin'

BR: "We wuz down thar at the oshen and this guy over thar hooked summin' big. Looked lyke he caught uh shark, but he wuzn't expectin' to catch uh fish lyke that in 18" uh water. Wonder if he ate it. Yuh know, any fish is edibul, 'cept sometimes they're hard to prepare. Taste like sawdust. Ah don't like buffalo 'r carp. Them's junk fish an' Ah don't lyke 'em."

Maybe with some ketchup on a "Mack-Donald's" bun?

The value of on-the-job training?

BR: "Ah'm gunna have to go back to skool 'cuz Ah don't know nuthin' no more. You been to the skoola hard knocks? Ah tell you wut, you git tossed in the fire, you learn pretty quick. You in that fryin' pan, sizzlin' 'round."

Starbucks: Now serving laced coffee! I was sitting right there and I still don't know what the hell he was talking about.

This Requires a Post

Yes, you can read this in the comments, but this necessitates its own post.
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spicoli said...

The other side:
BR: "How you doin'?"
Billy Bob: Pretty good except for the strawberries in my butt.
BR: "Umm hmm."
Billy Bob: They're stuck.
BR: "Strawberries."
Billy Bob: I'm googlin' how to get em out. what's that nin-ternet address?
BR: "Yahoo.com."
Billy Bob: Oh yeah i found it. I sent ya muh email program yesterday.
BR: "Tryin' to senjer 'dress book? It's easy."
Billy Bob: Yeah i taped muh dress book to a box of KFC.
BR: "Is that what you call finger-lickin' good?"
Billy Bob: Huh? heh. heh he.
BR: "Heh heh heh."
Billy Bob: Heh.
BR: "How's the weather up thar?"
Billy Bob: Hotter than blue blazes with strawberries in my butt. there's gotta be nine-y of em in thar.
BR: "You sure it's nine-y? It's prolly sevenny-five, but you call it nine-y. Anythin' above sevenny-five."
Billy Bob: I gotta go find the kool whip.
BR: "Awrightee. Later!"

It turns out, you CAN make this shit up. But thanks to spicoli for finding the Rosetta Stone. I was otherwise lost.

My Non Sequitur Can Beat Up Your Non Sequitur

Baffling. This is BR's side of the conversation. The other conversant is the probverbial Rosetta Stone, without which one cannot possibly decipher how this was a sequential conversation.

A short exchange, to be sure, but noteworthy. Unembellished and unabridged:

BR: "How you doin'?"
(Pause)
BR: "Umm hmm."
(Pause)
BR: "Strawberries."
(Pause)
BR: "Yahoo.com."
(Pause)
BR: "Tryin' to senjer 'dress book? It's easy."
(Pause)
BR: "Is that what you call finger-lickin' good?"
(Pause)
BR: "Heh heh heh."
(Pause)
BR: "How's the weather up thar?"
(Pause)
BR: "You sure it's nine-y? It's prolly sevenny-five, but you call it nine-y. Anythin' above sevenny-five."
(Pause)
BR: "Awrightee. Later!"
(Long pause while I make that "WTF?" face)

Size Matters

BR: "Yew know Ah went down to that electronics store thuther day? They had this hard drive, 250 gigabits fer $89. That's gigabits, not megabits. Hell, that's a quarter uva terrabit. Yew know how many fotografs you could store on that thang? How many MP3s? [Editor's Note: And they have this new media now, called 'movies.'] Gawlee."

Yard of the Month

BR: "Ah mowed grass all day Saturdee 'til Ah went to work on the sign. Damn, that grass grows fast. I just mowed it 'bout a month ago 'n it wuz already 'bout two foot tall."

Sounds lovely. Someone call Better Homes and Gardens.

Homewreckers

BR: "Ah wuz gonna fix that spring on mah boat this weekend, but mah son called an' needed help putting the sign back up on the shop. Guess the wind blew it down. 'Course in three weeks time, them stupid birds done built a nest up in there. When we moved that panel, we found that nest. The mama was gone and she left her babies. An' you know wut? She ain't never comin' back."

Another Mystery Solved

BR: "You 'member a coupla years ago when the 'hole fone network went down fer two 'er three hours? They said it was a software virus, but it wuz'nt. They wuz upgradin' some software 'n it all went wrong. 'Hole thing wuz screwed up fer a buncha hours. Lotta people don't know that."

And all this time I thought the culprit was a suitcase atomic bomb. Now we know.