Boaters Rejoice

The boat is safe. In a disappointing turn of events, however, BR was too busy today to expand upon the vulgarities of the experience. I suppose you can't be on your A-game all the time.

BR: "Got mah boat back. Got it fixed Tuesdee. Well, Ah fixed the one spring -- the one that 'uz broke. Ah'll fix the other one this weekend, Ah guess."

Sounds like we're in for a raucous weekend...

Will the Boat Be Stolen?

This should have been much funnier. The first line held such promise...

BR: "Yesterday, Ah spent the whole day on the side uh the road. No food, no water, no nuthin'. One a 'em springs broke on mah boat trailer. Ah tried to get sumbody to tow me, but the prollem wuz nobody had anythin' to tow a 24-foot trailer. So this guy stops -- you know he used to work for uh oil refinery? [Editor's Note: I must confess, I did not know this. Did you?] -- an' hez got some hi-tensile steel cable he sayz we can tow mah boat with. He said he knew somwhere we could take it, an' Ah didn't have nowhere else to put it ('cept the side uh the road), so Ah agreed to move it to the place he suggested. Ah hope hez a trustworthy fella, else Ah might be outta uh boat."

This story is indeed true, as I heard it repeated without variation ELEVEN TIMES.

Say "No" To Drugs

BR: "Heroin's a killer. Ah knew this guy, he got caught tryin' smuggle herion in one a 'em baggies or a condom or summin'. So to hyde it, he swallowed it. But wut he didn't know wuz, that thing burst. [Editor's note: I'm confident this fact became readily apparent to the would-be smuggler.] Yeah, he's dead now."

Rodent Prevention

BR: "Got a squirrel problem? Go over there to that Petsmart and get summa that dog scent. Put it around the base a that tree and the squirrels won't go up there. A lotta people don't know that. Ah think its just dog urine, is all it is."

Perils of the World

BR: "Ah don't think Ah wanna go to New York. One a 'em ole stupid maniac muslims prolly have a suitcase atomic bomb, just on the day Ah visit.

Ah know a guy, he converted to a muslim. He went from being a good guy to a maniac. He got weird beliefs now.

Ah been to Chicago, that's good enough for me. You been to Chicago, you been to New York -- just a big city. This guy told me don't go down this street, don't go down that street -- Ah said "Wye?" He said you git mugged. Even the cops don't go down there 'less they got two or three of em. It's just like that movie with Chevy Chase; you stop at a light 'n they strip your car right while you're sittin' there. Just like National Lampoon."

A Treatise on Deliveries

BR: "When Ah buy furniture, Ah always have it delivered. You know wye? Because if something's wrong with it, it's their responsibility. We done bought this recliner one time, and they delivered it, and Ah sat down in that thing the first time and 'whoooph' [Editor's Note: Jesus Christ, I wish I had the sound effect that came through the cube wall], it broke. So Ah called them up and told the lady what happened and she said, 'You musta broke it when you delivered it.' Ah said, 'Ah did?' She said, 'Yeah, you musta cracked it.' Ah said, 'That ain't possible, cuz Ah didn't touch it. Yer people delivered it. So it musta been them that broke it.' She got all quiet cuz she had backed herself into a corner with that comment. Hah! Needless to say, two days later they brought me out a new recliner, at no charge."

Anyone Hungry?

BR: "Ah've eaten possum and skunk and rabbit and squirrel. Ah ate that skunk that time but Ah didn't know what it was 'cuz Ah was drunk. They had so much BBQ sauce on it that Ah thought it was barbequed rabbit. Boy, it come up. The possum you could tell 'cuz it was greessey.

My son, he's eaten bear meat and moose and caribou 'n all that stuff. He said the bear meat was kinda nasty... but he eats all that stuff...

Ah love roasted quail... Ah'll take them things and bake 'em in the oven. With salt 'n pepper on 'em? Mmmmmm..."

The First of Many

BR: "Ah don't eat ketchup. Not on hamburgers. Unless it's a Mack-Donald's burger that's already made."