A Lotta People Don't Know That...

Out of Office

2008-05-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

Due to circumstances of extreme secrecy and intrigue, I will be out of the office for an extended period of time. Since I have vowed not to fabricate any of these posts (which could easily be accomplished with a bottle of whiskey and a book of Mad Libs), this blog will be dark for a while.

Hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I have sharing my pain. Hope to see you back in a few months.

The Taxman Cometh

2008-04-24T12:58:00.000-04:00

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna rahyze taxes on gasuleen bahy fifty cints a gallun as soon as he gits in office. 'Corse that won't affect the lower income people -- thay's on wellfare already 'n take the bus. If'n that tax goes thru, we'll all be on wellfare soon.

Them Dimocrats got a gud policy comin' up. Thay're gunna eat everyone."

Evidently with a side of oil and food stamps.

Celebrating in Style

2008-04-21T07:43:00.001-04:00

BR: "Went to Red Lobstur last nahyte. Took mah muther thar cuz it wuz her birthday. They braut out a li'l cake with a candul to suprahyze her. She wuz lahyke, 'Huh?' She thaut thay wuz gunna do somethin' to her. Man, wuz she suprahyzed. But she lahyked that.

Excellint shrimp too. When thay say jumbo, thay wuz really big."

I took my mom to Red Lobster once. For Mother's Day. I was six.

Nothing Says "I Love You"...

2008-04-18T09:26:00.001-04:00

... like a riding lawn mower:

BR: "Ah baut mah wahyfe that new John Deere -- she luvs it. She sez it's jus' lahyke drivin' a car. Got automatic transmisshun, 'lectric start, all them saftey feechurs, got eighteen 'er twinney-fahyve horsepower, Ah ain't shur. But she luvs it. Straps that wagun on the back 'n she's doin' the flower beds, mowin' the grass every other day."

She might also enjoy a camouflage jump suit and a 30.06. Or a case of whiskey.

The Ultimate Diet

2008-04-09T07:24:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah tell yew one thang, Ah need to pay more attinchun to the expuration dates on thangs. Ah made me a sanwich with Miruhkle Whip that had been expahyred fer over a year. Made me sicker'n a dog. Ah trahyed to throw up a cupple'a tahymes but couldn't. Spint mosta the nahyt sittin' on the commode. That's one heckuva weight loss program, though."

No Lube

2008-03-26T11:37:00.002-04:00

BR: "Mah sun's wahyfe has this friend, 'n boy iz she stoopid. She had a pretty new car, at least she baut it new. Car wuzn't runnin' rahyt, so she took it to the dealer. It wuz still under warranty fer the first year. Car had sixtee-four thousind mahyles on it. Mechanik sez, 'So how many mahyles have yew put on it since yew last changed the oyl?' She sez, 'Wut do yew mean?' He sez, 'When wuz the last tahyme yew changed yer oyl?' She sez, 'It'z under warranty fer the first year -- Ah don' need to change the oyl, do Ah?' Heh. Sixtee-four thousind mahyles on the 'riginal oyl. 'N that's starter oyl. Sevin grand fer a new motor."

The Racist Church

2008-03-20T07:34:00.000-04:00

BR: "Yew see O'Bahma's preecher finally got him into hot water? Turns out ole BR was rahyt. He sed thay should get ridda all the whayte people. Kin yew believe that? Anytime a church has a histery of helpin' only one kinda people, thay're a racist church."

To wit: All churches are racist. Awesome.

Bloom Where You're Planted

2008-03-17T10:37:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah know a wuman, sixtee-sevin years old 'n she's never been more than a hunnerd mahyles from her house. Sixtee-sevin years old. Kin yew believe that? Ah cain't.

She's got a sixtee-four Chevy truck, all beat up; got dents in it. She straightened 'em out herself. When yew look at it, it's all kindsa beat up, tahyres is slick 'n it's got over four hunnerd thousind mahyles on it. Baut it brand new in sixtee-four. Ah sez, 'When yew gunna get a new truck?' She sez, 'Ah don' need no new truck. This one starts every day. Ah ain't gunna bahy a new one 'til this one quits on me.'

It ain't lahyke thay cain't afford it. Her 'n her bruther got a eight-thousind acre ranch, got siventeen oil wells on it. Thay git lahyke thirtee K a munth in royalties, each. Thay got Ah don' know how many millyens in the bank 'n she won' bahy a new truck. She thinks she's gunna dahye 'n take all that with her. Shoot. Everybody knows yew cain't take it with you."

Read Between The Lines

2008-03-13T12:53:00.000-05:00

BR: "Yew lissen to them commershuls fer Berack O'Bahma? Yew lissen to 'em real close? Most people don'. He's talkin' 'bout 'Mah Wahyte House.' Since when is is 'mah' wahyte house? It's the guvermint's wahyte house. It's the people's wayhte house. But that's his mentality. Ah'm gunna sind out an e-mail to all those people, sayin', 'Yew voted for 'im. Now yew gotta pay the prahyce."

The Breakfast of Champions

2008-03-07T08:46:00.002-05:00

BR: "Mah wahyfe thinks Ah'm crazy cuz Ah'll eat tuhmahlees fer breakfist. Ah'll cook up a duzzin of 'em 'n go to town. She sez, 'How kin yew do that?' Ah sez, 'Open yer mouth 'n bahyte.' Ah eat bean 'n cheese tacos from that Mexikin place all the tahyme fer breakfist."

Two words: Febreeze WORKS.

The Folly of Youth

2008-03-04T07:36:00.001-05:00

BR: "Thar tellin' all the Republicans to vote fer Hilery now 'n then vote for McCain in the genrul 'lection. That's wut Ah'm doin'. Mah friend sez, 'Thay'll have you on the rolls as a Dimocrat fer two years!' Ah sez, 'Who cares?' Ah jus' wanna make sure Osama bin Ladin don't win. Or Bahama, er whatever his name is. He sez he's gunna stop all the war in the Middul East. Wut people don' realize is that then we'll be fahytin' that war rahyt in the middul'a New York City. Thay'll come to 'Merica 'n bring their bombs with 'em.

Those stupid college studints don' know wut's goin' on. Thay think everyone's in Iraq 'n if'n we pull outta thar the war'll stop. Wut thay don' get is, them people's been fahytin' fer fifteen hunnerd years. Thay wanna convert everyone to the Muzlum rulijen. If'n yer a Christian, yer their enemy 'n thay'll kill ya soon as look atcha."

The Tribe Has Spoken

2008-02-29T14:23:00.000-05:00

BR: "O'Bahma sez he's gunna change the Middul East. Ah'd lahyke to know how he's gunna do that. Prolly become a Muzlum 'gain. Who's that Muzlum big wig? Ah ferget his name, but he 'n his trahybe came out 'n indorsed O'Hahma [sic]. That gahy ain't never indorsed no one before. When thay asked him wye he indorsed O'Bahma, he didn't have an answer. Sumthin's fishy there.

All's Ah kin say is, Ah didn' vote fer him 'n Ah tole yew so."

No Crime, No Time

2008-02-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

BR: "Mah vizhun is this: if yer illeegul 'n yew stay below the vizhun levul, thay ain't gunna come lookin' fer yew. But if yer gunna commit a crahyme, a' corse thay're gunna getcha! 'N thay shud!

But if yer an illegul 'n commit a crayhme, yew ain't subject to the same typa justis that a sitizen is. It's lahyke thay're tryin' to make illeeguls an eshelon 'bove people that're here leegully. It's diplomatik 'mmunity. But if yew don't commit no crahyme, yew ain't got nuthin' to worry 'bout."

Thank you Johnny Cochran.

If Wishes Were Horses...

2008-02-07T10:14:00.000-05:00

...then I could ride the crack-addled pony that IS his thought process...

BR: "Looks lahyke ole Romney's callin' it quits. That makes it real easy. Yeah, it's gunna be McCain as presuhdint 'n Huckuhbee on as vahyce presuhdint. McCain didn' carry the south, so Huckuhbee's gunna git it fer him. That'll be a good ticket.

Ah sure hope they abolish the IRS. All thay gotta do is pass it 'n that'll be that. Save a buncha munney. Won' hafta give out them rebates to them people on welfare no more. Then we can give laptop computers to everyone that goes'da school. That'd be gud."

Yes, indeed. All they have to do is pass it. Get rid of those pesky taxes. Can't imagine anything the federal government might need money for...

Bounce Goes The Check

2008-02-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

BR: "The only tahyme Ah ever had insuffishent funds wuz that tahyme mah wahyfe didn't deposit mah check for four weeks. Ah never worried 'bout checkin' mah balince cuz Ah knew how much munney wuz in thar. But she didn' deposit that check, so Ah wuz bust. Needless to say, Ah wuz a little upset.

The real bummer wuz that Ah bounced a twilve doller check. Then the store charged me fayhve dollers fer insuffishent funds 'n then the bank charged me twinney-fahyve dollers. They inded up sendin' a collekshun agency that charged fifty dollers in collekshun fees. So a twilve doller bounced check cost me eighty 'er ninney dollers. Needless to say, Ah don' let her handul mah munney no more. Got mah own account. Heh. Two diffrent accounts, two diffrent banks. Heh."

Outer Limits

2008-01-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

BR: "Thay make them pre-made peenut buttur 'n jilly sanwiches. Ah don' know who makes 'em, but thay're called 'Incrustibles'. Mah muther wud never cut the crusts off our PB 'n Js. She'd say, 'Yew better eat them crusts 'er yew ain't gittin' no more.' Ah learned real quick to eat crusts. Muther wud say that's whar all the nuchreents are is in the crust. In 'the skeen.' Thay used to say that 'bout potaytos too. Ah think the only nuchreents in them potayto skeens is dirt."

Spamtastic

2008-01-23T10:58:00.000-05:00

[Discussing Cooter's planned trip to Hawaii]

BR: "Go out 'n bahy yerself 'bout twinney cansa Spam. Whin yew get thar, bahy yerself a big ole tubba musterd 'n some loafsa bread. Yew'll be livin' in stahyle. Them Hawayens love that Spam. Yew'll be a hit."

Dr. BR of the ER

2008-01-17T13:39:00.000-05:00

BR: "Whin stuff comes outta yer nose, if it's clear, it's allergies. If'n it's green, yew've got 'er yer gittin' an infection. Jus' call Roto-Rooter to clean yer nose out. Heh!"

Shop 'Til You... Get The E-mail

2008-01-16T07:29:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah put a 'count alert on mah 'Merican Ixpress. That's the only way mah wahyfe knows to stop shoppin'. Ah put in on jus' fer her. She spinds 'n spinds 'n spinds 'til she gits that alert. Best thang Ah ever dun, yew wanna know the truth."

Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay?

2008-01-14T10:12:00.000-05:00

BR: "Hay, lissen to this: [Editor's Note: From Yahoo News] "O'bahma wrote about 'is yewthful drug use - marijuana, alcohol 'n sometimes cocaine - in his memoir, 'Dreams of Mah Father'."

Heh. How 'bout that? He hadda take drugs to remimber his dad. Now thar's a good ole dimocratic canduhdate for ya'. Hah!"

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

2008-01-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

BR: "Appul hit two hunnerd dollers a share th'uther day. Ah shoulda baut Appul when it wuz sixteen dollers a share. Talk 'bout kickin' yerself in the tail end. A buddy'a mahyne baut Yahoo when it wuz ten dollers a share. He sed, 'Ah jus' baut a hunnerd shares'a Yahoo!' Ah sed, 'What the hell is a Yahoo?' [Editor's Note: Uh, got a mirror?] He inded up with about four hunnerd shares. He made a bundul when he sold it. Shoot. Thay say hinesite's twenny-twenny; Ah shoulda kept a better eye on mah rear ind. Hah!"

Expert Political Analysis

2008-01-08T09:06:00.000-05:00

BR: "O'Bahma wuz a Muzlum; he jus' changed a few munths ago to a Crisjin rulijen. But when he got sworn into Congress, he wud not put his hand on the Bahyble. He wud only get sworn in on the Keran. He don' say no pledge'a legience neither. Anyone that does not pledge'a legience to the flag is a communist or, in this case, a Muzlum. Thay ain't on the sahyde of the country 'n thay won' get mah vote."

The Lights Are On...

2008-01-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah switched all the lahyt bulbs in mah house to compact flerisent. Savin' me a buncha munney. Muther won' do it. Ah sed, 'Yew otta switch them bulbs to the more inergee 'ficcient ones.' She sed, 'Ah don' wanna. Them bulbs is too dark.' Then she complains about it bein' too hot in the summer. Ah sed, 'Muther, it's s'damn hot because yew got them five-hunnerd watt lahyt bulbs in them lamps!' That's lahyk a screw-in furnice, is wut that is."

The Screw-In Furnance! New from Ronco!

Coffee - Now An "In Thing"

2008-01-04T13:28:00.000-05:00

BR: "Mah dotter baut mah sun-in-law a perkulater coffee pot. Thay saw one one day when thay wuz out shoppin' 'n he thaut it wuz as neat as yew know wut. Thay don' make coffee lahyke that no more. Coffee used to be jus' fer drinkin', but now it's an 'in' thang. Thay love that coffee maker too. Too bad thay don' know howda wurk it.

Thay wuz gunna throw their old one away; Ah sed, 'Don' do that, Ah'll take eet!' Ah'll put it up at th'other house. That way, Ah can have coffee whenever Ah want. Rahyt now, if'n Ah want a cuppa coffee, Ah gotta go to the stupid donut shop.

Ah didn' drank coffee 'til Ah wuz forty years old. Now Ah gotta have a cup everyday. Instint or brewed; don' matter to me. Ah giss it's jus' lahyke a cigrett."

Satan Is An Option

2008-01-03T09:57:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah knew this gahy, don' know wut rulijun he wuz, but he thaut it wuz a sin ageenst God to take munney from a cumpuhnee in the form'a stock options 'er wutever. He sed it wuz the devil's munney, that he'd be workin' fer Satan. If'n he'd a takin that munney with all his options, he'd a had two 'er three millyen dollers. Instead, he got laid off 'n walked away with nuthin'. Didn' want nunna wut he called Satan's munney. Shoot."

Trash Talk

2008-01-02T07:35:00.000-05:00

BR: "A garbuj man in New York Citee makes niney-fahyve K a year. Not bad fer smellin' lahyke yew know wut."

Hand Off - The Aftermath

2007-12-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah wuz readin' an artikul on Yahoo 'bout that tyegur. The zoo direktur publicly admitted that the rail wuz too low. He jus' opened that city up fer millyens and millyens of dollers. He sed he knew 'bout it when the AZA came out (yew know, th'Merikun Zoo 'Sociation), but thay didn't say nuthin' 'bout the hahyght, so he didn't do nuthin. That wuz three years ago.

Wut he shoulda done to CYA, he shoulda asked the city for munney to raise it. If thay sed no, he woulda covered his tail. When thar's a potential lawsuit, you don' come out 'n admit the mistake in public. 'Less yer an imbisul. Guess he is an imbusul. Guess he didn' realize that somebuddy would file a lawsuit. Them people wuz tauntin' the tyegurs, but the lawyers gotta prove that. Needless to say, he's gunna lose his job over that."

Gee, ya think?

Hand Off

2007-12-27T15:32:00.000-05:00

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that tyegur that escaped from that zoo in San Frunsisko? Thay sed it wuz the same one 'scaped last year. That tyegur wuz chewin' sum gahy's hand off. Heh. Ah think Ah'd wanna be dead, sum animul wuz chewin' mah hand off. Heh."

Hi Ho, Silver

2007-12-20T16:41:00.000-05:00

BR: "Yew hear 'bout that contractor? Found eighty K in a house behind a medicine cabnet er sumthin'. He also found a hunnerd eighty two K in 'nuther house. Thay wuz a hunnerd eighty two K wrapped up in newspaper frum the fortees. The bills wuz a hunnerd dollers. One seriesa bills thay found, thay's so rare - thay haven't had 'em all apprazed yet - but thay came from the Cleevlind reserve bank 'n thay wuz all silver certifcuts. Thay sed thay were nineteen twinney seven 'n twinney nahyne bills. Thay wuz so rare that the value wint up from a hunnerd eighty two K to five hunnerd sixtee K.

Ah had a silver certifcut once. It wuz for a hunnerd dollers 'n mah wahyf burned it. Ah didn' tell yew 'bout that? We used to have a burn barrell. Ah wint to the credit union 'n got a nineteen twinney nahyne silver certifcut for a hunnered dollers. Ah had it in a plahyne whayte envelope on the dressur. She found it 'n thaut it wuz imptee, so she took it to the trash 'n threw it out. Ah got home 'n sed, 'Whar's that envelope that wuz on the dressur?' She sed, 'Oh, that wuz imptee, so Ah threw it out 'n burned it.' Ah sed, 'Wut?!?!?' Ah freeked out. She had a habit'a not stirrin' them imbers, so Ah wint out to the trash barrell 'n started diggin' 'round 'n Ah found it. It wuz burned, but thar wuz 'nuf of it left that Ah wuz able to redeem it. Thay sed, 'We'll give yew a hunnerd dollers, but we don' have no bills lahyke that to replace it.' So Ah got mah hunnerd dollers back but Ah'll niver see 'nuther bill lahyke that in mah lahyfetahyme."

10% Are In The Know

2007-12-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

BR: "Niney percinta people don' know wut malt is anymore. Ah ordered a malt 'n thay gave me a milkshake. Ah sed, 'This ain't no malt!' Thay sed, 'Yes it is.' Ah sed, 'No it ain't - it ain't got no malt powder in it!' 'Oh, that's the diffrence?' The manager at Darrey Queen sed that. Heh."

Can I Get a Witness?

2007-12-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

BR: "Whin Ah wuz workin' at that hospitul, thar wuz a tecknicul prollem in the operatin' room 'n Ah got called. Thar wuz this womun on the operatin' tabul, out cold. That ole surgin sed, 'Yew jus' go ahead 'n fix the prollem; don' worry 'bout wut Ah'm doin'.' Ah sed, 'OK' 'n wint to work. But Ah looked over after 'while 'n he wuz up on that tabul; he had climed up rahyt on toppa that lady 'n wuz straddlin' her. She wuz obviously havin' a hip replacemint, cuz he wuz up on toppa her with a hammer 'n chizel! 'Whack, whack, whack!' Man, he wuz goin' to town with them tools. Ah'd never seen nuthin' lahyke it. Ah fixed the prollem 'n wint on mah way.

Cuple weeks later, Ah wuz walkin' down the hall 'n Ah saw that li'l ole lady agin headin' down the hall in a wheelchair. She got to the door, 'n she got up 'n walked out. Ah sed, 'Ah saw them operatin' on that ole lady!' Thay sed, 'Yep, he replaced both hips. She hadn't walked in two years.'

Now thay're usin' lazers."

BR -- now available for surgeries and Bar Mitzvahs!

Raze the Titanic

2007-12-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

BR: "Wen yer on a cruise 'n yer gunna debark, it takes a lotta action to git them two thowsind passingers off. Sum people thank it's their personal moterboat -- it jus' don' work that way.

What's 'mazing is how them ships iz welded together. Thay gotta be dun jus' rahyt 'er giss wut? Thay'll break apart. Mosta them ships iz dubble-hulled.

The Tahytanik wuz dubble-hulled, but thay made two mistakes [Editor's note: Someone call White Star Lines immediately. They'll want to hear this.]

One wuz with the secund hull; the hull only wint up to 'bout atey percinta the ship. Above that point thar wuz nuthtin' thar. The water wint over the toppa that hull 'n into the compartmints.

'N two: them compartmint doors. Ah think thay left 'em open."

Brilliant. I can just see BR as the investigator on the scene: "Hay, d'jew leave them compartmint doors open? Ah betcha did. That's whay thet ship dun sunk..."

We're Big in Japan

2007-12-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

BR: "Boing! Man this rubbur ball won't quit bouncin' -- sumbuddy needs to git a hold of it... [Editor's note: Kind of like your ramblings.]

Thay need to put that two trillyen back that thay borrowed from the hiway transpertashun fund. Back whin ole' Clinton wuz in office, they took two millyen, shoot, two billyen -- wait, 'scuse me, two trillyen from the hiway transpertashun fund 'n spint it on somethin' else. Yew know what the nashunul debt is? Nahyne trillyen. Four years ago it wuz four 'n a haf. In ten years, we're gunna be in a big ole' mess. Hell, we already are, but if the Chayneze 'n Japuneze decide to sell all thar U.S. trezhree notes, we'd be bankrupt. Thay got us over a barrell. We cain't do nuthin' cuz thay own so many trezhree notes. Ah gotta stop talkin'; Ah'm jus' gittin' more upset the more Ah thank 'bout it."

Consorting With Felons

2007-11-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah wuz talkin' to this gahy that wuz in prizun. [Editor's note: WTF?] Ah sed, 'Wye yew in here?' He sed, 'Ah wuz in a bar 'n sumwun trahyd to take mah whiskee 'way frum me. So Ah stabbed 'em in the chest.' Ah sed, 'Wow, wuz it that importunt?' He sed, 'Yeah, it wuz.' Ah sed, 'It wuz so importunt, so now yew git to spind sum tahym here fer 'cuple years.' He sed, 'Yew don' think it wuz importunt?' Ah sed, 'Well, no, not to me. But Ah don' drink, so Ah don' know.'

Them wimen in prizin ain't nuthin' to look at. Thet's wye thar in thar in the ferst playce. If'n thay wuz evin a little bit good lookin', sumbuddy'd want 'em. Wanna take care of 'em. But all'z thay'z intristed in iz pickin' fahyts with 'chuther."

Note to single men: If you're not the least bit picky and have a sensitive side... oh, and Mace. Just in case.

Walkin' in BA

2007-11-29T11:10:00.000-05:00

BR: "In Arginteena, if yew git caut DWI, it's an automatic death sentince. A lotta people don't know that. Talk 'bout zeero tolerince. That's wye thay don' have no prollem with people drivin' drunk. Ah giss there's a lotta them walkin'."

If you murder someone, do they make you drink and drive?

Shop the Chains

2007-11-28T15:08:00.000-05:00

BR: "That lokul hardware store'll screw ya. A 'lectrical box -- ninney-siven cints at Lowe's. At that lumbur yard, it'z three ninney-siven. That's three dollers more. Three dollers more. Romex [sp?] iz ninney-six dollers. Two-forty-one thar. 'N desprit people'll pay it. They're the only store 'round fer fifty mahyles, so thay know thay gotcha by the yang-yang."

Please, people - don't let anyone get you by the yang-yang. It's quite painful.

Misplaced Priorities

2007-11-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah've heard everything now. This cuple wuz so inticed with th'Innernet that thay let thare baby starve..."

Market Movements

2007-11-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

BR: "The markit wuz down a 'lil whayle 'go. But then agin, it's the afternoon. 'N yew know what the markit does in the afternoon. Takes a dump. [Whispers] Takes a caca."

The APR Consultant

2007-11-16T11:23:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah got this credit card 'n Ah noticed that the intrist rate wuz sky hayh. Twenny-for point nine nine percint. Whin Ah opened th'count, it wuz nine point nine nine percint. So Ah called 'em up 'n sed, 'Wye did mah rate go up?' Thay sed, "Well, sur, thar's a klaus in the contract sez we kin raise the intrist rate at inny time.' Ah sez, 'OK, well have Ah bin late in mah paymints?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'Have Ah bin over mah limit?' Thay sed, 'No sur.' Ah sed, 'OK then, how 'bout Ah jus' pay the balince rahyt now 'n close th'count.' This gurl sez, 'Oh sur, but wye? U've bin a valyewd custimer since 1987!' Ah sed, 'Well, y'all're sockin' it to me! That rate is suh haygh, Ah'll jus' close th'count.' She sez, 'Wait a minit sur; let me git an' -- what do thay call it? An APR consultint... 'Let me git an APR consultint on the lahyn.' Ah didn' know what an APR wuz. So this gahy comes on the lahyn 'n sez, 'We're gunna reduce yer APR to fahyve point nine nine percint. Ah sed, 'Well thank yew very much.' Kin yew believe that? Thay dropped it twinney percint. Ah bet thay do that to everbody; thay jus' jack up the intrist rate 'n rip yew a new what. 'N people either don' notice it 'er think thay can't do nuthin' 'bout it so thay jus' keep payin' it. 'N all yew gotta do is call 'em up 'n ask 'em to reduce it. Ah wonder how many people thay're rippin' off lahyke that everyday. Prolly millyens. Jus' goes to show, yew gotta stay 'lert or thay'll gitcha. A lotta people don't know that."

The Economy, Retirement and an Exit Strategy

2007-11-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

BR: "Thar's only one econumy 'n that's Azhuh. Yew know who the biggist investers are in the US markit? Juhpan 'n Chahyna. Thay got mostuv our munney. More investers from thar then all them oil countries. 'N it'z all communications. Used to be, sumthin happined here 'n it would take a week to git to Juhpan. Now sumthin happins, thay know it in milisecunds. Maybe evin mahycrosecinds -- depinds on how long it takes fer them lahyt waves to git over thar.

Scary thang is, niney-six percint'a peeple in the US have liss then tin K in thar retahyrmint. This one woman had between six 'n nahyne K 'bout three years 'fore retahyrmint. Thay sed, 'Yew think yer gunna be able to retahyre?' She sed, 'Yeah!' Wrong! She had no inklin' what it takes to retahyre.

'N if'n the democrats get back in, all them tax cutz is goin' away. 'N if'n Hileree gitz in, thay gunna start takin' fahyve percint'a yer saleree fer 'the unemployible'; that's what thay call 'em. That's win Ah'm leavin' the country. Ah ain't givin' nobody fahyve percint'a mah saleree fer doin' nuthin.'"

A Lesson in Numbers

2007-11-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

BR: "A billyen is a thousind millyen 'n a trillyen is a millyen millyen. How many zeroes is that? More munney then Ah got. Ah jus' figgered out how much munney Ah don' have."

Smoke 'Em If You Can Afford 'Em

2007-11-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

BR: "Ah never did take up smokin'. Didn' have 'nuf munney. Ah could either smoke 'er bahy gas. Ah could spind fahyve dollers on gas 'er three packsa sigrettes. Ehhhh... Ah had more fun drahyvin' so Ah never started. Ah prolly smoked three in mah whole lahyf.

Ah got this friend thet smokes a lot. He spinds so much munney on sigrettes -- $22.83 A DAY. Thet's a whole lotta munney. Ah tell 'im, 'Go out to the ceeder tree, git a peese 'a thet bark, a peese 'a newspaper 'n roll it up 'n smoke it.' Tastes the same. Jus' as gud fer ya' too."

Let's do some quick math, shall we? Assuming a cost of about $4/pack, that's nearly six packs of cigarettes per day. I imagine that a hard-core smoker like that would sleep a measly six hours per night, so that leaves a mere 18 hours of quality smoking time. At 20 class-A cigarettes per pack, we're talking 120 smokes every 18 hours, or nearly 7 cigarettes per hour. For the sake of argument, we'll pare it down to six, or one cigarette every ten minutes. And that's EVERY ten minutes. Where can you get a job that allows you to smoke EVERY ten minutes and pays you enough money to have $8333 of disposable income to spend on cigarettes? Wherever it is, I hope his health care benefits are AMAZING...

Middle East Solution

2007-11-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

BR: "Them people'z bin fahytin' fer fifdeen hunnerd years. It'z gunna take a long 'mounta tahyme to change their behavyer. Every ginerashun hasda change a little bit. When enuf changes bin made over tahyme, then you'll see sum differn actions over thar. The U.S. wint through that, breakin' away frum Spain 'n Anglund.

Sez here they got two hunnerd fifty'a them Taleeban surrounded. We otta jus' drop one bomb 'n git rid of 'em all. 'Er gimme an M-16; Ah'll give 'em a boost. Make 'em see Allah real quick."

Ah, yes. I've heard of this plan. "The Camp BR Accords." What could possibly go wrong?

We I.D.

2007-10-31T12:10:00.000-05:00

BR: "Riddy fer them tricker-treeters tonite? Summa them kidz iz too old to be comin' do the door. Ah should make 'em show me thayre driver'z lisense. Heh heh. If'n thay's over twilve, thay don' git no candy. Don' git no nuthin.'"

Stream of Alimentary Consciousness

2007-10-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

Well, my faithful readers, I am heading out of town for a much-needed vacation, so the blog is going to go dark for a bit. I've commissioned my aforementioned colleague to keep track of any explosions of wisdom from the lips of the oracle.

In the meantime, please enjoy the following prattle. Yes, it really was this desultory.

BR: "Whin Ah wuz a keed, thar wuz no way yew could git me to eat brauklee er kauleeflar. That wuz a no no. Now Ah luv brauklee er kauleeflar. Ah tell yew whut tho, Ah ain't never develuped a taste fer beetz. Never lahyked 'em, never will. Ah'll eat jus' 'bout any vegtabul thar iz 'cept beetz. Ah'll eat eggplant but Ah don' really care fer it. Mah wahyf luvs it. She'll eat it frahyd. She orderz it evree tahyme we go to Ahlive Gardun.

Ah won' eat no squid 'er octapus. Lotta peeple lahyke kalimahree. Ah don' care fer it. Ah giss cuz Ah use it fer bait. When yew use it fer bait, 'n yew see all thet slimee stuff... then yew think 'bout that goin' down yer throat... Ah trahyd a peese uv it once, almost gagged.

Ah've ate all kindsa meat. Moose, elk, all kinda deer [Editor's note: The varietals are most robust in the fall], analope, bear... never eatun no allagater 'n Ah don' care to. Don' lahyke th'idea of eatun' sumthin that can eat me [Editor's note: Uh, bear?].

Ah got a friend that'll eat all kindsa bugs. Beetuls, cockroachiz, antz, milipeedz. He gitz 'em frum sum mail-order playce. Ah ate sum choklit-cuvered antz once. Thay weren't bad. Lahyke choklit-cuvered peanutz.

'Member thet show on TeeVee? Thay hadda eat all that stuff 'er thay wuz disqualifahyd. Cain't remember the name uv it. Wuzn't on very long. [Editor's note: Yes, Fear Factor was short-lived. A mere six seasons.] Thay ate everthin': pig placenta, werm milkshakez, tung, 'n other itemz frum the bull... Rockee Mountin Oysterz. That'z one thang Ah won' eat. Corse Ah'm shur Ah've ate it before sinse Ah've had hot dogz 'er buhlonee before.

Ah knew a gahy from Luzianna ate three orderz uv 'em thangs 'fore he found out wut they wuz. He'z from Luzianna, so he thaut thay wuz regalur oysterz. He fahynlee found out wut they wuz, but it didn' stop him. He kept rahyt on eatun' 'em. 'Hay, bring me 'nuther order.'

If you've eatun hot dogz, you've prolly eatun every parta th'animul possibul that can be cooked. A lotta people don't know that.

Ah'll eat Spam over hot dogz; at least yew can see sum meat in thar. They've ruhduced the pork; now it'z 'bout one thurd chickun 'n one thurd turkee. Used to be 'bout haf pork ribz 'n haf pork sholder. As the prahyce'a meat wint up, the qualitee of meat wint down.

Ah don' lahyke duck, neither. Ah niver ferget, Ah keeled that duck one tahyme. Mah muther cooked it 'n sed, 'Yew gunna keel it, yer gunna eat it.' Needless tuh say, Ah never keeled 'nuther duck.

Ever had robin? It'z kahynna lahyke duv, but mah muther'd make us eat that too. She'd make me kleen 'em. Ah lurned rahyt thar not to keel anythin' yer not gunna eat. That'z why Ah fish now."

To recap: Will eat broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant (with reluctance), moose, elk, deer, antelope, bear, chocolate-covered ants and Spam.

Will not eat beets, squid/calamari, alligator (for fear of reprisal), bull's testicles and duck.

I must get invited to Thanksgiving.

Our Latest Export

2007-10-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

BR: "Well, yew go 'da Mexeeco now 'n yew kin git Taco Bell. Thay trahyd'a open it thar back in nineny-too but it failed. Ah giss them peeple in Mexeeco dinn' 'gree with wut Taco Bell called Mexeecan food. Wut thay call a taco 'n wut we call a taco iz two differn' thangs. Not no more. Taco Bell in Mexeeco. Gawlee."

This is an outrage. What's next? McDonald's in Ireland? Oh, wait...

Today's Spanish Lesson

2007-10-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

BR: "This persun'z name is 'Mary Bueno.' Ah giss her name meanz 'Mary Good.' At least it'z not 'Mary Freeholee.' Thet wud be 'Mary Bean.' Heh heh."

Delicious Dinner, Dangerous Dessert

2007-10-04T14:01:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah wint to the grosrey store thuther day, baut me a steak. It wuz sevin dollers 'n it wuz barely 'nuf fer me. It'z cheaper to eat out then eat in, not countin' gaas. We go to thet Ahlive Gardun thet's rahyt 'round the corner frum us. Soop 'n salid 'n breadstix is the only thang Ah lahyke there. The lunch is fahyve nineny-nine 'n the dinner is sevin nineny-nine. Yew getcha two big bowls'a that soop 'n that'z plenny. Last tahyme we wint there we came home with one'a them cheezecakes and wuz eatin' it fer lahyke a week. Ah tell yew wut, don't ever get a bad cheezecake, tho, it'll make ya sick!"

For those of you keeping score at home, $7.99 at Olive Garden is cheaper than the $7.00 steak (not counting gas, of course). I suppose you have to tip your butcher...

Conspiracy Exposed

2007-09-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah tell yew wut -- thay know whar Osama ben Lahden iz, but thay ain't gunna go after 'im cuz that'll jus' make him a marter. If'n thay leave him alahyve, his own peeple'll take care of 'im. They'z gettin' sickuv 'im 'n if'n we leave him alahyve, thay'll evinchully get 'im thayselves.

Ruhmimber back in 'Niney-Three whin Osama ben Lahden first came inda power [Editor's note: Those exit polls were incredible!] 'n started doin' all this krap, he tooka hole buncha explosives inda the basement of the Worl' Trade Cinter 'n blew 'em up? Heh, heh -- that gahy thaut it wuz gunna bring the hole bildin' down, but it wuz only one colum. We trayhned that gahy too. Civul engineer at M.I.T. Shoot."

Powerball Dreams

2007-09-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

BR: "If'n yew wun the Powerball, wud yew hayre me az yer shoeshiner? A hunnerd K a year? With three hunnerd ten millyun yew cood hayre a lotta peeple. That'd be great. Walk int'a kar dealership 'n bahy a kar with yer 'Merican Express. [Editor's note: Or cash?] Ah cood live on that. Put it in the bank earnin' eight percint; yew cood draw out thurdy-one millyun a year."

Brown Snake Moan

2007-09-18T08:58:00.000-04:00

BR: "Win Ah wuz a keed, Ah hadda koppurhed koil 'n bahyte et mah leg. Mah pantz wuz away frum mah bodee, so he bit the cloth. He bit at me, but by the tahyme he had koiled back up, Ah dun jumped outta the way. He wuz big, too, prolly three feet long. Ah don' lahyke koppurheds. Thay don't give yew no warnin'; thay jus' koil up 'n bahyte. Ah lahyke rattlesnakes, cuz thay let yew know they're there. Not them kopperheds, tho."

Yes, those rattlesnakes are terribly polite. I've never met anyone who didn't enjoy their company.

Professional Diagnosis

2007-09-17T12:59:00.000-04:00

BR: "Yep, that ole Owen Wilsun trahyda keel hisself. He went 'n cut his rist. They sed he'z bahy-polur. They found out thet much. He needz help fur it, but peeple didn't realahyze he'z bahy-polur 'til now."

Read more in the Journal of American Medical Field and Stream.

That's What I Call Good Bait

2007-09-13T15:02:00.000-04:00

BR: "We alwayz use chikun liverz fer catfish fishin'. It'z lahyke bludd bait. We wint out thar one tahyme 'n caut four hunnerd 'n sixtee fish. There 'uz so many of 'em, you hadda beat 'em off."

I intend to use chicken-liver cologne the next time I go out on the town.

Deer Diary

2007-09-12T10:51:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah wuz drahyvin' to work on thet street neer mah house, an' Ah saw fahyve deer. Thar wuz a twilve point buck, a tin point buck 'n three doe, out in the middul the road. Thet twilve-pointer wuz a big ole gahy. Man, he wuz big. Ah started to run 'em over with the kar, but Ah thaut, 'Naw, it'll mess up the kar too bad.' If'n mah sun'd been thar, he wudda loved shootin' et them thangs."

Restaruant Review

2007-09-10T15:46:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah wuz at a Tahko Bell twinney-fahyve years ugo 'n the food wuz better then most Mexikun restaurants."

Seafood, Versatile Seafood

2007-09-10T10:29:00.000-04:00

BR: "Mah wayhfe's alwayz tellin' me Ah eet too much frayhd food. Then she turn 'roun 'n eat frayhd flounder all the time. So hoo's eatin' all the frahyd food now? Ah only bake mah flounder. That's the only way Ah'll eat it. Man, Ah luv it.

'Corse, if yer a shrimp luver, Red Lobster's got thet all-yew-kin-eat shrimp rahyt now. But Ah cain't stand skallups; Ah giss you have to be born with a taste fer 'em er summin'. Ah useda eat oysturs on the haf-shell all the tahyme -- with salt 'n peppur -- but Ah got sik on 'em 'n ain't had 'em since. Ah don' lahyk skallups 'er oysturs 'er mussles, 'er anythin' related in that area. Ah lahyk krab, but only if sumbuddy else's dun it. Ah don' lahyk to kleen 'em, less Ah'm gunna chop 'em up fer fish bate. The inside'z all gooey 'n it smells. Dunno wut it is... must be the gutz 'er summin', but them red fish shur lahyk it!"

Here, here. I personally don't like water, or anything related in that area.

The Warranty Swindle, Part Two

2007-09-05T16:48:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah braut this thang in fer warranty ruhpare. This gahy tellz me he cain't do warranty ruhpare if the thang ain't wurkin' at all. Ah sed, 'Wut the hell 'er yew talkin' 'bout? That's wut a warranty'z for! Yew pay the decuktibul 'n they fix it.' Ah sed, "Yew gahy'z 'er jus' nikel 'n dahymin' me. Ah ain't never comin' back here agin.' He musta thaut he'z dealin' with sum kinda moron. Well, he'z already gotten the warranty munney outta me, so maybe he is. Heh heh."

Everyone's Favorite Actor

2007-09-04T09:16:00.000-04:00

[On hanging up the phone with a customer]

BR: "Boy, thet gahy wuz meen. Jus' lahyke that moohvie Nasty Ole Men with Walter Mathis."

What a shame. His brother Johnny is so nice.

"Pipe on a Plate"

2007-08-29T13:49:00.000-04:00

BR: "Bes' shremp Ah ever had wuz on thet cruze ship coupla yeerz ugo. They wuz 'bout eight eenches lawng an' 'bout an eench 'n a quarder in diamedur. Peece'a pahype on a playt. Thay had 'em split open on the playt served wit garlik 'n buttur. Man, them thangs wuz gud. Lahyke eatin' lobster."

Shoots and Litters

2007-08-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

BR: "Yew heer 'bout that gahy thet got merderd? He got in sum arg-yew-mint 'n th'other gahy came out 'n shot 'eem. Guess it'z best not tuh say nuthin' to no one no more. Yew ind up gettin' yerself keeled."

'Would you like fries with that?' 'BOOM!'

Philippic in F Major

2007-08-24T13:11:00.000-04:00

Wow. My hands hurt from the transcription.

BR: "This cuntry'z goin' tuh hell. Yew know what thay wanna do? Start the North Amerkun Yewnyen. Thar won' be no more USA. Won' be no doller no more; we'll have a currency jus' lahyk the Euro. That'z uh fact; thay've dyevulged it. That'z their ultimate goal bye twenny-twenny. That'z wut the Democratz want. Thay want yew tuh share yer wealth with the resta the cuntry. Gotta bail out all them defaultin' morgiges. Are yew kiddin' me? N' look et them commercials. Get a six hunnerd thousin' doller morgige fer twelve hunnerd a munth. Ah know a gahy wint to buya howse 'n the real estate lady wuz in kahootz with the morgige broker. She sez to him, 'If yew fahynance with us, we kin gitchu a three hunnerd thousin' doller howse fer a low payment.' So yew know what thay did? Thay baut it. Since thay baut it in the las' seven munthsa the year, thay didn' hafta pay no taxes. But then the enda the year come 'round 'n thay owed 'leven thousin' dollers in taxes. The taxes started gittin' figgered inda their morgige payment 'n it went up two 'n a haf tahymes wut thay wuz tole. 'N giss wut thay hadda do? FORE-CLOZ. 'N that's happenin' by the thousins."

Fuzzy Math

2007-08-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

BR: "Well, that ole hurikane Deen missed Cancun 'n Cozymel, but we thaut it wuz gunna tear it all up, so we cancelled our cruze. Ah called the cruze cumpany 'n they sed, 'Wahy don' yew jus' leave yer munney with us 'n then yew kin jus' applahy it to yer cruze when yew rebook?' Ah sed, 'No thanks, cuz we dunno when that's gunna be. Cood be six munths.' Course they wanna keep yer munney. If they sell 100,000 tickets at $1000 each, that's tin millyun dollers they get-tuh keep in escrow jus' earnin' interest. They love that."

They'd love it even more to have the $90 million you short-changed them with your mental calculator.

The Truth About Truth Serum

2007-08-20T08:20:00.000-04:00

BR: "Truth seerum is reeley sodium pennathal. If'n thay give yew too much uvit, yew jus' pass out. It don' make yew talk. A lotta people don't know that."

I am terrified to imagine how HE knows that. Not something you just pick up "on the job."

Brother, Can You Spare a Dollar?

2007-08-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah come outta 7-11 'n thar wuz this homeless gahy. He wuz warin' a hat that Ah recugnized. I assed, 'Yew a [XYZ] member?' He sez, 'Yeah!' Ah sez, 'Me too!' He sez, 'Yew gotta dahller?' Ah sez, 'Nah, Ah hadda uze a credit card here in 7-11. Ah didn' have no change.' (Ah did have munney, but Ah wuzn' gonna give none to him.) He sez, 'Ah reeley need a dahller fera cuppa coffee.' Ah sez, 'Well, come on back insahyd; Ah'll bahy yew a cuppa coffee an' a do-nut.' He sez, 'Nah, Ah jus' need the dahller. Ah'll git the coffee later. It'z too early fer breakfest fer me.' Ah KNEW he wuz lahyin'. Prolly gonna bahy booze 'er cigerettes. Yew jus' never know."

That BR sure is sharp. Who could imagine a homeless person lying about how he would spend a monetary gift?

Roach Clip

2007-08-13T18:17:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah wuz down fishin' et the coast, 'n Ah was lahyin' in bed Saturdee nahyt. Felt sum-uhm walkin' on me. Thought it wuz a rat. Turnz out, it wuz one-na them water roaches. Ah tell yew wut, thet wuz one big ole roach. Ah wint down to the Walmart 'n baut six canza that Hot Shot Drahy Fog. Can sez y'only need three fer the howse, but Ah baut six. Set them thangs off 'n win Ah came back, there wuz twelve'da fifteen dead roaches. They wuz startin'ta lay eggs 'n Ah figgered it wuz tahyme to kill 'em all. It wuz only $9.88 fer three canz 'n Ah baut two packiges. Gud thang too, cuz Ah'm gunna have to do it agin here in three weeks."

How, um, lavish.

That Kid Is Forked

2007-08-10T15:06:00.000-04:00

[While viewing something on the Internet in hushed tones with Cooter]

BR: "Gawlee. Luhk et this. This kid... musta bin runnin' with a fork. Ewww.... That hadda hurt. Ah giss them -- whaddya call 'em? Them indivijul prongs on a fork? Tahynes? -- Ah giss one went up one nostral 'n the other th'other. Betcha he won' do that agin. Nex tahyme he'll be runnin' with a spoon. Heh heh."

Watership Down

2007-08-09T14:03:00.000-04:00

BR: "They hadda turnayduh in Brooklyn. Kin yew buhleeve that? A turnaduh. 'N yew hear 'bout them subwahyz in New York? It rahyned suh hard thet thahyr wuz three inchiz in one auhr. Thet storm fludded the subway systim. 'N them tracks iz 'lectrifahyd. Thet's the thrid tahym this yeer that happened. The mayor'z gunna holda heering t' figgur out whye that keeps happenin'. Ah kin tell ya whye -- them damn starecases iz wahyd open! They need'a put up sum canopees ta kitch that rahyn so that it don't flow down thim steps. Gawlee. That's jus' commun sinse."

Transference

2007-08-07T09:39:00.000-04:00

BR: "Mooved a buncha crap outta the yard Saturdee. Pulled uppa concrete slab'da git it outta thar. Mah truck wuz fulla concrete. Mah back tahyrz wuz saggin'. Musta had two'da three thousand pounds in thar. Thin after that, we got all them timbers loaded up, all that scrap lumber frum the remodel. Braht it over'da that ravine 'n dumped it. Looks a lot better now. Next tahyme Ah hafta mow, it'll be a lot easier."

If it looks better now, it begs the question: what the hell did it look like before? The ravine must be stunning as a result of his efforts.

While I know this is not BR's vehicle, I can't help but imagine it looked something like this:

Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman

2007-08-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

Greetings and apologies, readers; I was out of the office for a few days and (incredibly) did not access the Internet. In my absence, a colleague was kind enough to take a note or two. Although he's in a soundproof concrete bunker four miles away from BR, he was still able to hear him.

BR: "Don' never send nuthin' USPS Prayhoritee Mail. Thay sed it'd be thar two days 'er less; mah sun got the package seventeen days later. Ah raized all kindsa cain. They sed all'z they kuhd do wuz refund me the prahyce'a the shippin' if it never got thar. They wuz two fiddy-doller gift cardz fer his birthday that wuz two days away. Ah inded up drahyvin' up thar 'n givin' him munney 'nstead. 'N yew know Ah mailed him a letter at the same time 'n he got it the next day. Thirdy-nine cents. Then them damn thangs show up seventeen days later. Kuhdda sent 'em FedEx fer $5.61, but 'nstead it cost nahyne dollers. Ah said, 'Never agin.'"

The astute reader will ask, "Why the f*&^ didn't he just send the gift cards in the letter, insured for $50?"

A Eulogy (of Sorts)

2007-07-26T09:41:00.000-04:00

BR: "All that rayne [in the south] bin cauzin' all them riverz 'n lakes tuh fill up. Yew hear 'bout that stupid cuple? They had thayr chayle in the water down in the Gulf. Thet current wuz so strong, it ripped thet kid rayht outta hiz daddy's armz. Washed 'im rayht out inda the Gulf. He'z crab bait now. They never see thet kid agin. Sharkz done eatin' on 'im, crabz been done eatin' on 'im. Those peepul don' even have a mind; it'z jus' total stupidity. You jus' hafta be ignernt. Gawlee. Feel sorry fer kidz lahyk thet -- parents 'er idiots 'n the kid takes the sufferin'.

Thar's no worse death then suffocatin' 'er drownin', which is the same thang."

The Man Behind the Curtain

2007-07-23T14:57:00.000-04:00

BR: " This global warmin' is jus' a repeatin' cahycle, iz all it iz. Butchu try tellin' that t'Al Gore. If'n ya did, then he wuddn't have nuthin'da scream 'bout. Course he'z one'a the biggest contributors to the so-called prollem. Yew know his house uses sevin tahymes more 'nergie than the averige home? A lotta people don't know that. 'Aw, but that don' matter.' Shoot. I wudn't be surprized if he wuz invested in one'a them companies choppin' down all the treez in the rayhn forests. Wudn't surprize me one bit."

Time to Re-Tire

2007-07-20T08:08:00.000-04:00

BR: "Mah sun needed some new tars, 'n Ah offered to pick 'em up fer 'im. Ah thought they wuz normal tars, but man, wuz Ah wrong. They wuz tractor tars. 42" in diameter 'n 20.8" wahyd. They must weigh 'bout 450 pounds a piece. Mah sun said they cost $989 each. That's a buncha munney fer a tar.

Anyway, they put 'em in mah truck 'n Ah started to drive off. Ah said, man, Ah need to tie these things down 'er they're gonna fall off. Mah wahyf saw wut Ah'ze doin' 'n she said, 'No way.' She callz up mah sun 'n sayz, 'Yer gonna have to come git 'em.' So he sayz, 'Ah-ayght, Ah'll come git 'em with mah trailer.' So at 1:45 this mornin', he gitz me outta bed sayin', 'Ah need help loadin' these tars.' Spent an hour outside loadin' them thangs onda that dang trailer. One uvem rolled off the tailgate uh the truck 'n hit that trailer. BOOM! 450 pounds hittin' that trailer makes a big ole noise. Needless to say, that screwed up mah nahyt. Didn't git back to sleep 'til 3:00 'er 3:15. Ah even hadda take 'nuther bath; took me ferever'd scrub off all that black rubber. Gawlee."

The Warranty Swindle

2007-07-17T11:16:00.000-04:00

BR: "Endid up bahyin' a TV fer mah bedroom last nite. Took that ole 27" back uptuh th'other house. Didn't have no TV up thar -- well, Ah take that back; Ah had uh 5" TV. Got tarred uh watchin' that lil' ole thang. Heh heh.

Mah sun-in-law bin tryin'da git me to bahy a plasma -- Ah said Ah ain't bahyin' no plasma for a bedroom. The one Ah bot'z a little smaller than 27" but it'z nahyce 'n sleek. Th'other ones looked lahyk cheep black plastic. [Editor's Note: He could've killed two birds with one stone by buying a refrigerator with a television IN it.]

Anyway, the reason I'ze tellin' ya this is 'cuz they had an extended warranty, two years parts 'n labor for $17.88. Ah cudn't believe that so Ah plopped down that munney. Yuzhuh-lee that kinda warranty costchu $60, $70, $80. Yew can almos' bahy a new TV fer that. Ah don't see how they can do it. Ah think it'z 'cuz they don' havtuh honor it 'less yew got the policy 'n the 'riginal sales receipt. Ah alwayz scan mahyne 'cuz they print them thangs on thermal paper. They do it on purpose so that receipt'll fade. Then yer outta luck."

This is good advice. I've never heard of any retailer retaining computerized records of your purchases and warranties. Maybe if they did, they'd have my address to send me junk mail.

The Broadway Joe Exercise Program

2007-07-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah met ole Joe Namath. He'z uh big ole gah -- six foot four 'er six foot fahyve -- 'n his wahyfe wuz 'bout four foot eleven. 'N she done had four kids bah him. Ah say to mahself, man, Ah couldn't 'magine havin' that big ole gah on toppa me. But Ah tell yew wut, she still had a good figure even after four kidz. She wuz a nahyce lookin' woman. She musta bin on top -- kept her in shape. Heh heh."

Consumer Report

2007-07-12T08:25:00.000-04:00

BR: "We baut one'a 'em Frigidaire dishwashers, all made outta plastic. Don' tell mah wahyf that. That thang was so loud you cudn't even hear the TV in the next room. Needless to say, that lasted 'bout a munth. Went overda Lowe's 'n baut a stainless steel Bosch fer $657. Ah'd never buy 'nuther Maytag. Ah had a Maytag 'frigerator 'n my 37-pound grandaughter wuz climin' on the door -- broke it off. $937 fridge 'n a replacement door wuz $436.57 plus shipping. Furget it.

They trydda sell us a fridge with a TV in it. Wut a waista munny. Had 'n ethernet port to hook it upda th'Internet. Yer jus' payin' $400 fer a stupid TV in yer fridge.

Yew know who owns Maytag is Whirlpool corporation. Baut 'em out 'bout a year ago. Maytag ain't Maytag anymore. 'N yew know wut? Whirlpool makes all the Sears products too. People say, 'Wye donchu buy a Whirlpool?' 'N they say, 'Naw, it's a piece a junk. Ah'll buy Sears instead.' But it's the same thang. 'N K-Mart owns Sears now. K-Mart, Sears -- it's all a buncha legal rigamarole with LLC corporations. A lotta people don't know that."

You may officially stop your subscriptions to Forbes, Business Week and The Wall Street Journal; they have been rendered superfluous.

Prison Break

2007-07-10T13:33:00.000-04:00

BR: "You hear 'bout that girl that tryed to 'scape from that prison? Sum nahynteen-year-old girl wuz tryin'da get outta that penitentiary 'n she climbed over that fince, fell rahyt inda that razur wahyr. She wuz in thar fer 'bout fifteen er twinny minutes. Took four 'er fahyve of 'emda gitter out. Needless'da say, she was hurtin' the nix mornin'. Dunno if she got any skarz, but Ah till you wut, she gonna think twahyce 'bout doin' that agin."

The Revolution Will Be Microwaved

2007-07-09T10:18:00.000-04:00

BR: "Mah micruhwave got zapped this weekend; dunno wut happened. Musta bin some kinda powur surge. When Ah come in, it wuz beepin' at me. Then it started up 'n the display said, "Baby food, 2 1/2 minutes." Then the screen went blank, then "Simply Samsung." Ah'm tellin' you, it runs on its own. Wasn't even that old. Maybe three-r four years. Hasn't even bin used that much. Maybe fifty tahyms at the most. Prolly cost more to fix it thin its worth. Throw it away, Ah guess."

I am shocked -- shocked! -- that he didn't tear the thing apart and regale us with a story about how he found a rat in it. A rat that he then ate. With baby food.

Chicanery Will Kill You

2007-07-06T15:16:00.002-04:00

BR: "Ah seen people leave their keys in their car with the injin runnin' whahyl they go inda convenience store. Thas jus' stupid. Ah bin timpted t'jump in 'at car 'n drive it 'round the back the store. If Ah wouldn't goduh jahyl, Ah'd do that. Then 'gain, they could be carryin' so Ah mahyt git shot."

Frankly

2007-07-03T16:42:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah know uh gahy whose name is Francis. Kin you believe that? An' Ah ain't talkin' 'bout the Saint neither, 'cuz he wuz a long way from that. Francis. Heh heh."

Spell Check

2007-07-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

[Overheard while BR was skimming a report received from another department]

BR: "Woodju look at this? This gahy is a stupid idiot. M-O-R-O-O-N."

Gangrene Grocer

2007-07-02T12:14:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah ain't bahyin' no more food at that locul grocery store, least not their brands. Ah done bought a cannuh peas, had a big ole rock in it. Bought a cannuh green beans 'n found not one, but three worms in it. Bought a tubbuh ice cream, it had a big ole globba grease right in the midd-luvit. Jus' lahyk ya grease yer car with.

Muther bought sum oatmeal had boll weevils 'er whatever lives in oatmeal in it. She took it back 'n got 'nuther packige. Two days later, them boll weevil'z back. Finally, she bought sum Quaker oats 'et didn' have them critters livin' in it.

Yeah, Ah don't buy that store'z products no more. Butchu know wut? Ah bet Walmart ain't much better."

F/X-pert

2007-06-28T11:53:00.000-04:00

BR: "Speshul effecks in moohvies'z crazy now. They jus' film it 'n overlay it on that blue screen er green screen er whatever it is. With computers it'z endless. They can digitize 'n colorize 'n everythin'. "The Wizard uv Oz" wuz the first one they done that to. A lotta people don't know that."

It's true. "The Wizard uv Oz" was filmed entirely on green screen and made its world premiere on YouTube. But you knew that.

Movie Review

2007-06-26T13:26:00.000-04:00

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen the film and do not wish for BR's in-depth review to ruin your enjoyment of the movie, please do not read any further...

BR: "Ah watched that moohvie Gost Rahyder last nite; yew know the one with ole Nicholas Cage? Kayhnda uh weird moohvie. He made a pact with the devul, sold his soul then ended up beatin' him tuh get outuvit. His father had cancer, 'n so ole Nick made a deal with the devul to give him his soul if the devul'd git ridda his father's cancer. He 'nis dad worked at a carnival, jumpin' all kindza stuff like helicopters, trucks, football fields 'n all that jazz, just like Evel Knievel. His dad got cured 'n said he felt great, so he went ahead 'n jumped a buncha buses 'er summin' -- he done killed hisself in the process. Ole Nick says to the devul, he says, 'Ah thought yew wuz gunna cure him?' Devul says, 'Ah did cure him, but Ah didn't say he wuzn't gunna dye.' Heh heh. Jus' goze tuh show yuh, be careful wutcha ask for."

Wise words. Take heed, readers. Especially if you ride motorcycles at a carnival.

The Wary Financier

2007-06-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

BR: "Don't never give yer munney to a broker. A lotta people don't know that. He'z in the business to buy 'n sell; the more he buys 'n sells, the more munney he'z gunna make. So whaddya think he'z gunna do with yer munney? Ah knew this guy who went off trustin' a broker -- that broker went thru about $250,000 a that guy'z retahrment munney. He hadda go back to work. Ah think he'z an exporter now."

I should hope so. That heroin isn't going to smuggle itself.

At a Loss for Words

2007-06-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

I never thought it even remotely possible that he'd clam up on me. Two solid days without so much as a peep. BR has been swamped with work and with Cooter mysteriously out of the office, BR has no one with whom to share his copious wisdom. As I have tacitly vowed to you, the reader, not to fabricate any of these posts, we have no choice but to dutifully await the next installment.

You'll read it when I hear it. Stay tuned.

Know Your Place

2007-06-15T09:23:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah've lived in this city all mah lahyf, 'n Ah don't know street names. An' Ah don't kare. Sum-one ask me howda git sumwhere, Ah say, 'Go down this road 'til you git to this place or that place, turn left. Then go 'til you git to this place or that place, turn rahyt.' They say, 'You don't know the street name?' Ah say, 'Hell, no.' Don't need it. Ah know where Ah'm at."

Gone Fishin'

2007-06-13T11:10:00.000-04:00

BR: "We wuz down thar at the oshen and this guy over thar hooked summin' big. Looked lyke he caught uh shark, but he wuzn't expectin' to catch uh fish lyke that in 18" uh water. Wonder if he ate it. Yuh know, any fish is edibul, 'cept sometimes they're hard to prepare. Taste like sawdust. Ah don't like buffalo 'r carp. Them's junk fish an' Ah don't lyke 'em."

Maybe with some ketchup on a "Mack-Donald's" bun?

The value of on-the-job training?

2007-06-11T07:50:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah'm gunna have to go back to skool 'cuz Ah don't know nuthin' no more. You been to the skoola hard knocks? Ah tell you wut, you git tossed in the fire, you learn pretty quick. You in that fryin' pan, sizzlin' 'round."

Starbucks: Now serving laced coffee! I was sitting right there and I still don't know what the hell he was talking about.

This Requires a Post

2007-06-09T02:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, you can read this in the comments, but this necessitates its own post.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

spicoli said...: The other side:
BR: "How you doin'?"
Billy Bob: Pretty good except for the strawberries in my butt.
BR: "Umm hmm."
Billy Bob: They're stuck.
BR: "Strawberries."
Billy Bob: I'm googlin' how to get em out. what's that nin-ternet address?
BR: "Yahoo.com."
Billy Bob: Oh yeah i found it. I sent ya muh email program yesterday.
BR: "Tryin' to senjer 'dress book? It's easy."
Billy Bob: Yeah i taped muh dress book to a box of KFC.
BR: "Is that what you call finger-lickin' good?"
Billy Bob: Huh? heh. heh he.
BR: "Heh heh heh."
Billy Bob: Heh.
BR: "How's the weather up thar?"
Billy Bob: Hotter than blue blazes with strawberries in my butt. there's gotta be nine-y of em in thar.
BR: "You sure it's nine-y? It's prolly sevenny-five, but you call it nine-y. Anythin' above sevenny-five."
Billy Bob: I gotta go find the kool whip.
BR: "Awrightee. Later!"
It turns out, you CAN make this shit up. But thanks to spicoli for finding the Rosetta Stone. I was otherwise lost.

My Non Sequitur Can Beat Up Your Non Sequitur

2007-06-07T14:08:00.000-04:00

Baffling. This is BR's side of the conversation. The other conversant is the probverbial Rosetta Stone, without which one cannot possibly decipher how this was a sequential conversation.

A short exchange, to be sure, but noteworthy. Unembellished and unabridged:

BR: "How you doin'?"
(Pause)
BR: "Umm hmm."
(Pause)
BR: "Strawberries."
(Pause)
BR: "Yahoo.com."
(Pause)
BR: "Tryin' to senjer 'dress book? It's easy."
(Pause)
BR: "Is that what you call finger-lickin' good?"
(Pause)
BR: "Heh heh heh."
(Pause)
BR: "How's the weather up thar?"
(Pause)
BR: "You sure it's nine-y? It's prolly sevenny-five, but you call it nine-y. Anythin' above sevenny-five."
(Pause)
BR: "Awrightee. Later!"
(Long pause while I make that "WTF?" face)

Size Matters

2007-06-06T13:28:00.000-04:00

BR: "Yew know Ah went down to that electronics store thuther day? They had this hard drive, 250 gigabits fer $89. That's gigabits, not megabits. Hell, that's a quarter uva terrabit. Yew know how many fotografs you could store on that thang? How many MP3s? [Editor's Note: And they have this new media now, called 'movies.'] Gawlee."

Yard of the Month

2007-06-04T08:37:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah mowed grass all day Saturdee 'til Ah went to work on the sign. Damn, that grass grows fast. I just mowed it 'bout a month ago 'n it wuz already 'bout two foot tall."

Sounds lovely. Someone call Better Homes and Gardens.

Homewreckers

2007-06-04T08:13:00.001-04:00

BR: "Ah wuz gonna fix that spring on mah boat this weekend, but mah son called an' needed help putting the sign back up on the shop. Guess the wind blew it down. 'Course in three weeks time, them stupid birds done built a nest up in there. When we moved that panel, we found that nest. The mama was gone and she left her babies. An' you know wut? She ain't never comin' back."

Another Mystery Solved

2007-06-01T08:06:00.000-04:00

BR: "You 'member a coupla years ago when the 'hole fone network went down fer two 'er three hours? They said it was a software virus, but it wuz'nt. They wuz upgradin' some software 'n it all went wrong. 'Hole thing wuz screwed up fer a buncha hours. Lotta people don't know that."

And all this time I thought the culprit was a suitcase atomic bomb. Now we know.

Boaters Rejoice

2007-05-31T07:42:00.000-04:00

The boat is safe. In a disappointing turn of events, however, BR was too busy today to expand upon the vulgarities of the experience. I suppose you can't be on your A-game all the time.

BR: "Got mah boat back. Got it fixed Tuesdee. Well, Ah fixed the one spring -- the one that 'uz broke. Ah'll fix the other one this weekend, Ah guess."

Sounds like we're in for a raucous weekend...

Will the Boat Be Stolen?

2007-05-29T14:48:00.000-04:00

This should have been much funnier. The first line held such promise...

BR: "Yesterday, Ah spent the whole day on the side uh the road. No food, no water, no nuthin'. One a 'em springs broke on mah boat trailer. Ah tried to get sumbody to tow me, but the prollem wuz nobody had anythin' to tow a 24-foot trailer. So this guy stops -- you know he used to work for uh oil refinery? [Editor's Note: I must confess, I did not know this. Did you?] -- an' hez got some hi-tensile steel cable he sayz we can tow mah boat with. He said he knew somwhere we could take it, an' Ah didn't have nowhere else to put it ('cept the side uh the road), so Ah agreed to move it to the place he suggested. Ah hope hez a trustworthy fella, else Ah might be outta uh boat."

This story is indeed true, as I heard it repeated without variation ELEVEN TIMES.

Say "No" To Drugs

2007-05-25T14:49:00.000-04:00

BR: "Heroin's a killer. Ah knew this guy, he got caught tryin' smuggle herion in one a 'em baggies or a condom or summin'. So to hyde it, he swallowed it. But wut he didn't know wuz, that thing burst. [Editor's note: I'm confident this fact became readily apparent to the would-be smuggler.] Yeah, he's dead now."

Rodent Prevention

2007-05-24T07:54:00.000-04:00

BR: "Got a squirrel problem? Go over there to that Petsmart and get summa that dog scent. Put it around the base a that tree and the squirrels won't go up there. A lotta people don't know that. Ah think its just dog urine, is all it is."

Perils of the World

2007-05-24T07:45:00.000-04:00

BR: "Ah don't think Ah wanna go to New York. One a 'em ole stupid maniac muslims prolly have a suitcase atomic bomb, just on the day Ah visit.

Ah know a guy, he converted to a muslim. He went from being a good guy to a maniac. He got weird beliefs now.

Ah been to Chicago, that's good enough for me. You been to Chicago, you been to New York -- just a big city. This guy told me don't go down this street, don't go down that street -- Ah said "Wye?" He said you git mugged. Even the cops don't go down there 'less they got two or three of em. It's just like that movie with Chevy Chase; you stop at a light 'n they strip your car right while you're sittin' there. Just like National Lampoon."

A Treatise on Deliveries

2007-05-21T16:12:00.000-04:00

BR: "When Ah buy furniture, Ah always have it delivered. You know wye? Because if something's wrong with it, it's their responsibility. We done bought this recliner one time, and they delivered it, and Ah sat down in that thing the first time and 'whoooph' [Editor's Note: Jesus Christ, I wish I had the sound effect that came through the cube wall], it broke. So Ah called them up and told the lady what happened and she said, 'You musta broke it when you delivered it.' Ah said, 'Ah did?' She said, 'Yeah, you musta cracked it.' Ah said, 'That ain't possible, cuz Ah didn't touch it. Yer people delivered it. So it musta been them that broke it.' She got all quiet cuz she had backed herself into a corner with that comment. Hah! Needless to say, two days later they brought me out a new recliner, at no charge."